Saturday, August 19, 2006

Question 8 - to the ask me ANYTHING post

From my Ask me ANYTHING post: If you could give one piece of advice to new D/s couples what would that be?

Only one?

Really that main thing that comes to mind is...that just because you are now doing a form of BDSM - the vanilla things are not suddenly transformed into something more...more exciting, titillating, erotic, sexy and so on. Paying the bills is just paying the bills. Washing the dishes is just washing the dishes.

So my advice would be not to expect reality to change into a wonderful fantasy we read about in smut. Yes we all go through that honeymoon period where all seems to be transformed, but life does intervene and it is OKAY. It doesn't mean that you are suddenly vanilla just because you do vanilla things.

Just keep the foundation in mind which reminds me of something I wrote for a workshop Master and I did at SMARTfest.

This is part 4 of 4 (Link to other all 4 parts - remember this was a speech made into essays so might read like talking to an audience and that is because we were)

A guide to a living a D/s or M/s relationship within Reality:

1) Be honest

Be honest about your wants, needs, things that are grating on your nerves, little pieces of information about your partners that drive you nuts. Be honest how you feel and what you are thinking. Be respectful to each other when expressing all these honest feelings. This goes for both dominant and submissive.

2) Take things at one's own pace and moving forward only when it feels right.

You don't need to speed through things. If you have faith in your goals and foundation then you will get there when it is right. And just because you are going slow does not mean you are not in an D/s or M/s relationship.

3) Have great sex and great SM in your relationship.

We hope you all know how to do this one. If you are not having great sex and great SM, figure out why not and fix it. If it is just not enough time - make time. If it means putting off the laundry for an hour or taking a quickie at lunch while kids are at school then MAKE it happen! (That is if your relationship involves sex and SM)

4) Do not compromise the basic structure and dynamic.

This one - to us - is big for keeping things set in reality. We are sons/daughters, friends, fathers/mothers, husbands/wives, employees and we can still have our D/s dynamic and be all those things. We don't have to say, "oh now I am vanilla and now I am doing D/s." Don't let the activities you do - such as protocols or SM - rule your dynamic. Let the foundation rule your dynamic. If you make D/s a part of your foundation and don't compromise that dynamic then you can keep your D/s set in reality.

5) Have a common commitment to the relationship.

This is what makes D/s and M/s relationships work. If you and your Dominant/submissive are striving towards the same goal with the same intensity, faith and degree of commitment, then you will make it work within reality.

One last thing again...The goal in creating a solid foundation is combining the dominance and submission - intertwining them to make it your lifestyle...your life. It should be woven together so that your daily life can be seen as a D/s or M/s dynamic to you even in the most vanilla of situations. But also don't complicate things by separating aspects and activities in your life as D/s or vanilla. Don't let the activities you do define your relationship. Make your dynamic your life.


  1. Couldn't agree more with the point after point 5 - we tried to split things up when we first started and it got confusing, awkward and very unsatisying.

  2. Good advice. Too often, I think people get tripped up by trying to "see" this lifestyle as somehow different from life. When that happens, it dooms the whole enterprise to ultimate failure. It may be that doing the laundry and getting the trash out is not as sexy as some sort of hot scene... Conversely, heavy SM may not seem like it is as "normal" as dealing respectfully with a partner's coworkers, but to make a power exchange dynamic work and thrive, all of that and a whole lot more has to happen in balance and harmony. Both partners have to come to understand how it all fits together, and that takes time and practice and patience.



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