Sunday, March 16, 2003

I read something this morning that made me think about what makes me feel more owned.

What impacts me the most and say to my soul "you are owned?"

While I was there and how it will be when I return, is a life of not being free. That is the bottom line of it.

I love the S&M, but last night at SMART as I described that I am not allowed to be free…that feeling of not being free made me feel that I am owned.

I am not able to get in the car and leave. I am not able to buy something without asking. I am not allowed to carry a purse. I only left the house when I was with Him. A lot of the time my clothes were locked up. At times I was locked up. And almost all day I was restrained.

I was not free....so was it all those little things that made me feel owned? Or just knowing that I was not free that made me feel owned?

There's a difference in my mind between the daily structure in my life that shows me my boundaries and what to do to please Him and the physically things that He does to me. But they all affect my mindset.

I would say they work together. They work to form my life (a life I am missing deeply).

I have rules that are a part of my life no matter what…

I can’t sit on the furniture unless He says I can
I can’t buy anything without permission and more then likely He will buy it as I am not allowed to carry a purse.
I am not allowed to go anywhere without permission.
I have certain clothing rules – like no cotton panties or bras only satin, no pants.
I do not eat until He starts eating.
I am not allowed to go the bathroom without asking permission.
I am not allowed to go to bed without permission.
I am not allowed to have diet coke without permission.
I am not allowed to have M&M’s without permission (sideline note to this it was hard to eat anything without asking – which made for a wonderful diet and I lost 10 lbs while there lol and another sideline note…M&M’s are His favorite snack and have their own even little cookie jar type container on His counter.)
I am not allowed to order food when we go out.
All the menus I prepare are approved and disapproved of before making.
My daily schedule of what needs to be done is approved and disapproved by Him.
I am not allowed to masturbate without permission.
I ask permission to leave the room when with Him.
I walk a step behind Him and on the right.
I make requests on my knees.

Those are daily rules……that structure my life.

Okay physical things we do….

I am caged.
I am used sexually.
I am restrained 20 hours a day.
I am locked to His bed at night.
I kneel beside Him when He pisses and will eventually be His urinal.
I go to the bathroom most of the time in front of Him.
I am pissed on often by Him.
I am made to piss on myself.
I am humiliated and degraded.
I am hooded, blindfolded, gagged, and restrained.
My body is tortured by Him through beatings or other varies methods of torture.

All the variations of the physical could go on and on…

If I had one without the other…I believe I would feel lost. I would not feel so calm and happy. Because some needs were not being met.

It like I am a puzzle. I was scattered on a table. I had the piece that needed to feel like slut, the piece that wants to serve, the piece that needs to feel helpless, the piece that needs to be tortured and the piece that likes Daddy/little girl things plus all the other pieces. I had all these pieces scattered. What would happen before is that someone would come along and see all these pieces, but say “well I want this part that likes piss play and I want this part that needs to be punched.” Or “I want this part that just likes service.” And no one wanted all the pieces. I am not saying that He wants to do all the things I want and desire. (But our need puzzle pieces seem to be the same). He might not ever want to do bestiality…like I do…but He it still taking that piece of the puzzle - not ruling it out and also accepting it. So, I have found this person that snapped all the pieces together and said “wow…I want you.” *smiles* We fit together and so I was able to snap together with His puzzle too. Now we are starting to form this beautiful picture. Our life.

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