danae

Music: no music still fighting off migraines and not doing a good job of it
Mood: sad

I have not written a lot lately. And last week I had time too write, but I was a bum. I guess I am kind of crashing from being away from Him. Or I am just having PMS going on - probably both huh? lol He said He could send me m&m’s…that is His cure for everything. :) Good cure *grin* that or sex is my cure lol

Thursday I decided I needed to stop being a bum and dress. So I actually dressed girly girl. I have not been since back…mostly because I got used to dressing for Him and…I like dressing for Him. So the thought of dressing has made me sad.

Friday night I went to the Carpe Diem informal and dressed girly girl for Him also. I dressed in a shorter skirt then normal also because He likes that length of skirt.

Friday was a day of really full of energy…going and coming…

I did an Osho Zen reading for someone and it drained a lot of energy out of me. Not that I would not do it again for this person - because I would it was energy used that was well worth it. She needed the reading and I was glad to help.

After I do things like I did with her for this reading though…I feel so…strange. I mean I feel drained yet at the same time there is this nervous energy below the surface and I feel like a buzzing is going through my body. And that I need to get it out. I don’t quite understand what it is…or why that happens.

Okay I am sure none of that make sense…and sounds kind of weird.

Skillful speech not only means that we pay attention to the words we speak and to their tone but also requires that our words reflect compassion and concern for others and that they help and heal, rather than wound and destroy. -Bhante Henepola Gunaratana, "Eight Mindful Steps to Happiness"

Okay okay….I have read that several times but I still need to write this part out…

While I was in Colorado, someone we know said something that I have been taking…personal for several weeks now. And I am going to vent…

Vent as in…”To express (one's thoughts or feelings, for example), especially forcefully.”

So here goes the vent…

He said that basically he was happy I was with Master because that I have not made good choices in my past. I am really really paraphrasing what he said but what I took from it was that I have made bad relationship choices.

Okay several things that really irritated me about it:

1) We all make bad choices relationship wise at least once in our lives - so when he said what he said it made me feel like he was saying “well danae, you are stupid and don’t make good relationship choices.” I know I don’t always make good relationship choices, but we all have done it and I hope that I at least learn from my past.

2) I feel this person that said it feels he was a good relationship choice for me. And I violated my own personal ethics with Him sooooo I don’t think that was probably a good relationship choice. Not to mention many of my needs would have been unfulfilled with him.

I just think it was kind of hypocritical to say that.

I know my relationship now is GREAT. He is a wonderful man and Master and I am very lucky. So, in that aspect of what was said…that is true…Master is a good choice.

Done with this vent…more to come in this entry or future ones….*grin*

Not a good transition to this next section....but....I need to write about it....

Last night…He and I had a discussion about bisexuality again.

It did not go well. I am very happy He is trying to understand but at times I feel like I say something that I know because it is personal to me. And there is just no way he can know it because it is not close to Him or part of Him.

While I was there, He and I got in a disagreement because I told Him about someone I was involved who is not bisexual but she was involved with me. And He basically felt because she was involved with me that means she experienced bisexuality so she *is* bisexual.

And I was like nooooo she is not bisexual. I said she does not feel attraction towards women. She loves me and still does and that love was confused for attraction at first. As time grew, we both knew, but I guess but both of us were in denial about it for a long time. She was and is not attracted to women.

The definition that works for me…to define bisexuality for me is…

“Bisexuality means sexual or romantic attraction or behavior directed towards some members of more than one sex.”

Well with that definition He says that means that the person I was involved with is bisexual. Because she had “behavior” that was bisexual…behavior such as sex.

I don’t know how to say it any other way to get Him to see…she is not bisexual. Just because a person has sex with someone of the opposite sex does not mean they are bisexual or homosexual. It is the feelings associated with that act. It is an emotional and mental state that makes a person bisexual or not. A person can be bisexual without ever having sex with both sexes. And the person I was involved with had sex with me and she is not bisexual. Sex does not make the persons orientation….feelings make it.

We did not come to a common ground on this…

The bisexual community can’t even come to a common ground on a definition. Just like the D/s community has different definitions. Bisexuality does not fit into a nice neat package. It is not black or white…it is very gray.

Sometimes I feel like things are so black and white with Him. That there is no gray. And life is a gray. Not everything can be clearly defined. I know He sees gray…we have talked about that before. I just feel like things that seem really close/personal/knowledgeable to me get shot down by Him…I feel He seems to tell me I am wrong a lot on things close to me.

I love Him and we always…come to some type of understanding. It just is hard. Last nights disagreement on this was a bad one. I would say to the level of the nuclear melt down when I was there. Plus it happened when we are far apart and so that did not help matters.

Nothing has changed…I mean I still need Him and want to be His…

It just is hard that we have such opposite views on some big things…because how He defines this…will affect our relationship at some point as I am bisexual and I just can’t turn that off.

More later.