danae

Music: none
Mood: very tired still...still have not really gotten any sleep
Topics: Update of life, Tarot reading, slave's voicing their opinions

Update first…

Yesterday I had lunch with someone that I had past hurts and resentments with, as I said in my blogger Wednesday. Lunch went fairly well. I am the type of person that often if I can let out my issues then they dissolve and it is almost like I am saying, “here these are not mine anymore.” And that is what happened. I was able to voice them and now pretty much they are gone. We both agreed that another party was a part of all the “misinformation” and we both agreed in hindsight there were things we could have and should have done differently. I do feel better having met with this person and it will now not cause someone in my life so much anxiety.

I did not sleep the night before, so not sure how I functioned yesterday, but I did. And actually I could not even get to sleep last night…so I suspect it will hit me at some point in the next couple of days.

Last night I spent hanging out with Katrina. We had our chat session even though I did most of the chatting this time.

Katrina did a tarot reading on me. :)

The reading she did on me was a spread called Directions (I think).

1) Past life direction: Death - A permanent change took place. Something that I could not have stopped even if I tried. I was stuck and this change came along and was life altering. She said, “It is like you walked through a door and it slammed and locked behind you. You can’t go back.”

2) Lessons learned from past life direction: The Star – Hope, peaces, calmness, balance. Also the 7 aspects of sexuality 1. Infantilism 2. Narcissism 3. Fetishment 4. Perversion 5. Desire 6. Passion 7. Love There are 8 points on the star…the 8th point stands for the stage in which I am most radiant. The peak in my sexuality.

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3) Current life direction: The Chariot (Reversed) – You are getting from someone vibrations of negativity, unfairness, pressure and an overbearing attitude. A slowed move towards a Journey.

4) Lessons learning now: Ace of Pentacles – some type of delay…could mean financial. I need to find new ways to improve an existing relationship.

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5) Moving toward: 8 of Cups – leaving current mode of life consciously. I was becoming stagnant – so moving away from that. Also represents – sexual pleasure, shyness, fear of orgasms

6) What I need to know about what I am moving towards: Ace of Swords – Strength in adversity. Use my will power, courage and intellect to reach my goals. Emotional extremes will go on. Doubled edged sword – construction and destruction, great hate and love. Cutting through illusions to get towards the truth. Thinking and communicate differently – so that I can find the answers.

7) Lesson learned about what I am moving towards: 8 of swords (a favorite card of mine – it is of a woman bound and blind folded standing amidst 8 swords – almost caged in by them) – Bondage, chains, fear of the unknown, feeling restricted, mental prison as well as physical. Dread and insecurity. Sexual slavery, confinement, sexual cruelty, domination, abuse and S&M

Okay….sooooo what did I take from that reading…..

Past life – I think it could be coming from 2 times in my life. 1) When I left Jim – that was life altering. That is when I really allowed myself to start exploring all the aspects of my sexuality – which was in the lesson learned from my past life card. 2) There was change that has happened with Him that I can’t go back from now. It is like a door slammed and there is no turning back. Weird thing is I at times think of turning back but I almost see that door behind me locked and know it and so it helps keep me facing forward and moving forward even when I am scared of what will happen. I also have learned a lot of understanding about my sexuality with Him. I think I am very aware of my sexuality but I believe He has brought to another level.

Current life – I am not sure what to say about it. I have felt all the things it is saying. I do feel like things have slowed down and that worries me a lot. The current lesson learned…I felt was interesting as yesterday I meditated and finding a new way to improve my existing relationship is something that was there during my mediation.

Moving Towards - I do feel that what is going on now…is making me stagnant. And I have consciously told myself to move. I wrote Him something similar yesterday. I do think I am moving towards a way to communicate with Him differently as things are not going good while here so something needs to change. I changed my outlook yesterday. And that will help move me to be with Him as His slave…which is the final card. The final card is where I want to end up. I want to be enslaved….confined….restrained….bound….dominated and all the other wonderful things of the life I have with Him.

I thought the reading was really good. It answered my question I felt. And even though I think the journey still looks kind of bumpy, I feel good about the outcome.

Okay on to other things…

I can’t get to His journal. I can, but I could only read so far and then it would not load the page any further. He cut and pasted it to me this morning.

He talks in his journal of being more compassionate towards me since I have been back here in Ohio….more empathetic. And I understand that is how He feels, but…I have not felt it at all. I have felt He has been more unbending in many ways. I look back on our conversations and I am not seeing the compassion. I am not saying He is heartless. My Master is not heartless...He is a very good man that I love and adore. He shows understanding that things are rough, but I don’t feel ease of His control or that He has been any less dominant that He always has been with me. I feel almost more restricted and with the distance it is hard and overwhelming when I am not in person with Him to touch Him, to see Him, to get reassurances through those things.

He asks if a Master should have compassion for a slave. The question upset me because well one I took it very personally. But also upset me because just in general I think people should have compassion for each other and He says in the entry that realitistically there has to be compassion. It just I feel hit buttons of insecurity. (That probably don't even have to do with compassion, but more about love.) What He does with that compassion is really the question. I believe a Master should have compassion for his slave. But I don't feel a Master has to act on that compassion always. He does not need to be compassionate always. But if his slave is struggling....if his slave is being broken by what the Master is doing then....the slave will not be a slave...a Master's slave for long...in my opinion. So to me compassion is necessary for a Master/slave relationship as well as a vanilla.

What I seek in the Master/slave relationship I am in…is that the Master wants to hear His slave’s voice. I don’t know very many people who do not have a voice….thoughts, feelings, and opinions. I believe a slave’s voice is an important asset to a Master. I think if a slave is stating his/her feelings and thoughts with respect and truth, then it is okay. I don’t feel they should back talk or be disrespectful.

Everyone has thoughts and feelings…even a slave. And if the slave is not expressing them I would be curious to know why….they are not. And also if they are not allowed then why not?

I have given the advice to many submissive and heard it myself from Dominants as well as submissives….that if the Dominant does not allow you to express your thoughts and feelings…then “run for the hills.”

If a slave does not feel they can, for fear of the Dominant will leave (something I have been very guilty of), then what is the relationship based on if that is what you do all the time? It is based on fear and not love and will not be a stable relationship.

I do get scared that the things I will say to Him…that I will cause Him to leave me. But over all I feel I am pretty good about expressing myself to Him. I believe He would say I am. But I also don’t believe He sees how much I hold back and stuff things as I am scared.

In being a slave….I want to voice my feelings and thoughts, but in the end what my Master says is the final word. And that is how it is and always will be for me. No matter if I agree or disagree with what my Master is doing or saying. I do expect though that He helps keep me emotional and mentally healthy as well as physically. I am a big girl and can take care of myself, but *we* are in a relationship of responsibilities of both parties. It takes both parties to have a relationship...a Master/slave relationship. I don't expect Him to do what I want or what I suggest, but I do expect Him to listen to me. Just as He expects me to listen and obey Him. In the end, as I said before, He is my Master...and His word is final..no matter if I agree or disagree, like or dislike.

I don’t want the control. I don’t want to be the Dominant. I want to be a slave. More importantly I *need* to be HIS slave.