danae

Music: Sarah McLachlan ~ Surfacing
Mood: sad
Topic: Reactance Theory

I had a huge long entry started that probably will never make it to this journal. It will be shown to Him though, if He wishes to see it.

The last several weeks I have given lots of thought to reactance theory.

The theory is to me that the slave reacts to lack of freedom. They get stressed and have anxiety that gives them feelings that cause reactions to that lack of freedom.

If the process keeps continuing on the road to enslavement, the slave knows there is not walking back through the door behind her. She is never the same. The other night in my tarot reading Katrina said it is like I went through a door and now I can’t go back through. And when she said it I felt the click of the light bulb on…I can’t go back through the door. I can’t escape my only focus is to keep going forward and to surrender completely to Him.

That has been tested many times this week. I felt often that reactance, but then I take several breaths and remind myself…who I am…who He is…and accept my place with Him. It is not a fun thing.

I had a conversation with a friend….and she made the comment that her husband said, “that ‘this’ is suppose to fun.” This meaning this lifestyle. Well…the life I want, as slave is not fun. There is a greater sense of accomplishment…that is doing everything I can pull from myself to serve and please Him.

To shed everything and be naked and exposed to Him. To show Him the light and the dark…the good, the bad and the ugly.

I think of the “Fool” card in my Osho Zen set talks of…”Your actions may appear foolish to others or even yourself, if you try to analyze them with the rational mind.”

The rational mind…I am His and need to serve Him anyway He wants me too.

Does that make it easier to just be humble, gracious, silent, selfless? No….not at all. Do I stumble? Oh my gawd yes…but my desire….my greatest desire is I am obsessively devoted to my Master and make Him the world...surrender and accept anything He wishes of me.

I am His slave. I bend to His will. I need to serve and please Him.