danae

Music: Sixpence None the Richer ~ Divine Discontent
Mood: tired but pretty good...missing Him as usual
Topics: Weekend update, War/Politics, Orgasm Denial, Teased, Enlightenment/Surrender...hmm maybe some other odd-n-ends

Well…the weekend started out bad obviously by reading previous entries. Saturday though was good…good conversations with Him. And then went to Carpe Diem and that was very good too. Good Demo…Good Friends…so a Good Evening. Sunday I went to brunch with Bill and Lisa and then came home to spend the rest of the day basically online with Him.

He teased me….sexually all day yesterday. And it was probably something He and I both needed. Even though we would rather have me there…for Him to directly torture not possible at the moment.

This is going to be an entry jumping from one thing to the next….

And politics is the next…

I occasionally have talked politics….

I have not mentioned anything going on politically since being involved with Him. It does not mean I am not thinking of it. It does not mean it is not important to me.

I have lots of views on what is going on…many match His…but I am sure I am much more of a bleeding heart liberal then Him.

I am sending positive thoughts and energy to the troops who are there and others that are being hurt in this war. I don’t believe we should be there…doing this. I believe that much of our interference over the years has caused it to be worse. I was reading Heather Corrinna - she basically says the same thing and also had a link to check out, take a look at the Institute for Public Accuracy.

I agree with a lot of her political views and also Jane’s. (Might have to read a few entries back to find their political views.) So since they are saying what needs to be said better then I ever could, please go check them out!

Again, I do care what is going on in the world, but at the same time I am kind of numb to it and created this place…where He is my world. As bad as that might sound with all that is going on in our world, my world with Him…is all I see right now. But my thoughts of what is going on are still churning around inside me. The words are just not making it here.

Okay and this will be a weird topic to come after that little segment of thoughts….

Denial has been a large part of my thoughts lately…orgasm denial specifically. Sometimes we deny ourselves things. Sometimes others do…sometimes it just happens. But I was being denied because…? It is hard question to answer for me….but basically it was a show of my devotion and submission to Him.

It was discussed almost 2 weeks ago that the orgasm denial is probably adding more stress on me then we expected. And I am going through lots of feelings on this…

I am a person that masturbated daily and usually just not once (before I became His). I have used sex as a way of pleasure, but also as a way of slowing things down and relieving tension. I don’t think I understood how much I depended on that…to help me. The people around me will attest to that fact that I have not been myself since we started on this path of orgasm denial.

I also have been having more migraines. When it was suggested to me that I might be having them because of the orgasm denial, I laughed hysterically. But unfortunately, I think it is right. I use that to relieve stress, so my stress is not going anywhere and thus I am getting migraines. Actually it makes a lot of sense to me even though I feel pretty darn silly about the whole thing.

Orgasm denial was important to me…I know it sounds like a silly thing but it was/is important to me because sex is very important to me. I have had a life centered around sex in one way or another.

My life sexually started a young age - through non-consensual acts - and I still became this sexual person all along the way to now. I touched, seduced, and had naïve sensuality around me growing up.

I would rub and touch as child. I remember so clearly memories as a child of masturbating. I had this head and footboard...not sure how to describe it. It was wooden - it was a continuous carved spheres along the top and the spindles. I would basically rub myself along them to achieve orgasm. Sex was just normal to me. It was just part of being. I thought that everyone did what I did; it just was not talked about. Just like being attracted to girls, I thought everyone was attracted to same sex as well as opposite, but again we just did not talk about it. I am not sure how I got that message.

It was not probably until college when I started dating Morgan that something kicked in…and said what will people say about me being with a woman. And then that is when I got all weird about it. I hurt Morgan so much with it - something I regret.

Okay back on topic now that my mind wandered with thoughts of Morgan.

So, sex is important to me. My pleasure is important to me. And I am submissive who wants to please….so others pleasure is very important to me too.

I meet a Man who knows sex is important to me. He knows that I qualify sex as a need when I list out my needs. He likes giving me pleasure. He likes having me orgasm. But He wants me to start getting in the mind frame that His pleasure is more important.

He did not suggest that He deny my orgasms. He, I believe, knew He would never have to bring it up. I have had thoughts and fantasies surrounding orgasm denial for a long time. The thought of a chastity belt turns me on. And I believe the thoughts of orgasm denial turn me on so much *because* my life has been so centered around sex.

At least that is really the only explanation I can find.

I love orgasms. I love the pleasure I get from someone touching me. I like the pleasure I get from masturbating too. When someone wants to give me pleasure or I am allowed it, I will go for it. But yet there is this part of me that wants to be denied.

Some days I just don’t like those parts of me that want things - not just orgasm denial - that will take so much away from my life. But yet I know who I am and that I need to be in this type of relationship.

So, I brought up the subject of being denied. He was all for it and I knew He would be…knowing the Dominant He is, I knew that He had that desire that I place my orgasms as a want and His pleasure as my need.

Well, there….in His presence…it would work better. We both have agreed to that.

And so after talking the last week about it…He has decided I will orgasm. I went 21 days without an orgasm. I was scared and worried that I wouldn’t be able to have an orgasm. I have gotten very good at masturbating and holding them off. And I will admit it took a while for me to get there but I did.

Part of me is beating up on myself for not being able to do it…hold out having an orgasm. I am disappointed in myself for not being able to hold of an orgasm.

I have always had these feelings of *wanting* to feel bad. I am not sure how I to explain them.

One day last week I wrote this to Him…

I hear you in my head saying this I am orgasming because you are telling me, but I still go back to that ultimate desire and letting you down and letting myself down. And so I am “bad.”

Part of me wants to....know....I am bad. That my Master is good. I am bad. My Master is right. I am wrong. My Master is superior. I am inferior. My Master is god. I am nothing.

I am not sure why…that I want to feel that way? Why? I have always had these feelings too. It is not something that just developed. I have had the desire to feel bad, dirty, wrong, worthless…I just don’t understand why. I wonder if others go through this and what they feel and think. Do they know why they feel that way? I just am curious…if anyone wants to comment on that question please feel free to write me.

Okay so…I orgasmed lol I have had 3 orgasms since then all directed by Him. I have trouble cumming without permission now. It just feels odd to be in control of that.

Yesterday, He flipped that switch on…since we have been having problems I have had a very low sexual desire. On Saturday night I watched a demo on knives and needles and so that made me aroused and then I had very sexually charged dreams, so I woke up on Sunday morning wet. I was still kind of low level though. I mean not like I *needed* to masturbate right then : )

In talking to Him, I told Him that I was aroused and so He started painting images through His words. And of course it was like bam! The switch was on and I was…not just aroused but soaking wet. So He had me put my vibrating egg in and a butt plug. I felt very umm stuffed *blushing* We then just did some chitchat. During our conversation He would tell me to turn the vibrating egg on….sometimes low sometimes medium other times on high. He would go from having me feeling those vibrations through my body then tell me to turn it off and then turn it on high and so on. And then he would have me turn it off and it would go on again and off again….so that I was getting very wet and turned on. That happened for quite a while so that through out the conversation begging to go masturbate. He would remind me He was doing this for His pleasure not mine. Even though obviously I was getting pleasure from being teased. I just wanted MORE. I am greedy when that slut part of me starts coming out. Finally He had me go hump my vibrator to the edge. And then I could lie on my back and bring myself to orgasm. I am not allowed to masturbate on the bed and so I was on the floor. He then had me go take a nap. It was not a very restful nap, but I needed any time I got. After the orgasm I had, I was very fuzzy and tired…which I think was part of His purpose was to kind of wear me out. After my nap and then dinner, I then signed back on, vibrating egg still in and also the butt plug. So He started all over again.

The end result was an orgasm achieved much faster then the first 2 I have had since not being denied anymore. And it was a very intense powerful orgasm. I really enjoyed it! LOL *blushing*

I want to Thank Him here…for allowing me to orgasm. I very grateful for them. I love You Master. *blushing*

I am not sure why but really orgasms help my mental and emotional state LOTS…the endorphins really do something for my psyche.

Next topic…enlightenment…

I have been thinking about my time with Him when I was there with Him.

I struggle with my submission lots…no “duh” from the peanut gallery. : )

There it felt more natural then it ever has…it just was there so much in places I felt for sure I would fight…it just was there.

I was talking to Ray the other night….(which btw Thank you Ray for being there for me Friday night)…and was trying to explain that it is so different for me now. D/s, M/s…terms and definitions of those and everything in else in BDSM…just don’t seem to matter to me now. It just is…

Surrender is not something that can be defined or spelled out in a process….it just is…

It feels big - ultimate - vast - the words are just not there….


Surrender just seems to me now that it just happens. It is just this moment in time where…you reach a new level of enlightenment in the journey. It is where everything clicks in place and to try to define this thing that is ultimate and there is another word I want…but I can’t think of it…

What I feel when I think of it - spreads out around me…the energy. Kind of like love…

It happens and then it is this energy that is vast and pure. That I think is the word I am looking for…it is pure.

There is nothing that can spoil it. Yes things happen hurts happen…and I believe still is there. Just like with love…I still love people in my past…Morgan, Jim, Todd…and many others. But even though I am not with them and I was hurt…that energy is still there.

Each level of my acceptance is…feels much like the things described that I read about Buddhism and the enlightenment that comes with being aware.

There is an awareness I have now that I did not have before…

It feels good inside. A warmth that I am working on to spread out…consuming me.

But I see it. And I now…worry for the people that never feel it and know it.

I honor the place in you where the entire universe resides,
I honor the place in you of love, of light, of truth, of peace.
I honor the place within you where if you are in that place in you
and I am in that place in me, there is only one of us. ~ Ram Dass

That is how it feels…

I wish I were there to be at His feet…and feel….all that is a part of Us.