Happy or Unhappy?

Music: Sixpence, Innocence Mission, and Tori Amos

At the moment I am really frustrated because of a conversation I had with Mistress DM. She was insisting in our conversation that I was in denial about things that happened last year. I was offending her by being in denial. And I look back at things last year and remember Jan and Feb I was REALLY happy. She does not remember it that way.

We had just started the business. It was going good and I was happy doing all the work I was doing even though there was a lot.

I was doing some things in the bdsm community. I was playing with a couple different people. I was getting along relatively well with Kam because he was starting his changes too. Honey called me and wanted me come help her through some things in Germany. Which meant not only did I get to see her but I had a chance to see Jackie there. So as I see it things were good.

I was happy in the moment. I was not looking for a Master. I was just living each day of my life. I wanted things and wanted to achieve goals but was really just happy with things as they were and if they did not happen I could say at that time I was happy with my life.

There are things how I remember them and Mistress DM is saying I am not remembering them right.

I do have times in my life where I purposely forget things or re-write them in my head because I can't deal with the truth. But last year I really do remember so well because I was so happy. I mean I remember things not always going smoothly but I went home at night and felt good about myself.

It was not until I was in Germany that things got kind of f*cked up.

She told me I am unhappy right now and not doing anything actively to change that. I just got done reading a years worth of bloggers and I would say I have done a lot of things to actively change things in my life. I mean the business alone is a total change in my life....2 years ago I could not have seen myself in the position I am....in control and very active in keeping it going and going forward. It is nothing like I thought I would ever *want* It is not something I planned out. It just happened and I am glad it did.

She told me I was looking for a Master who will take me a way from my unhappy life. And that is not it at all. I just feel for the next changes in my life I need some support and help. Me who does not ask for help knows I need help...I would say there is another BIG accomplishment.

Anyway I am just very frustrated right now. Oh well, life will go on lol

peace,
danae