Watch Your Language

Okay at this moment I am angry. Not just frustrated not just annoyed I am angry. And not even sure what to say about it.

I am upset because I deserve a relationship where the other party puts as much into as I do. I deserve to have attention and time. I deserve to be cared for just as much as I care for others. And I am not getting that at all....

Then there are the men who I feel pressure from and I can hear Mistress DM and Kam in my head....saying if they pressure you say good bye they are not worth it.

I feel I am Nick's...even though we have not met....he may not deserve that honor as we have not met yet but that is how I feel. When chat with other men I keep it to a certain line because otherwise I feel I am betraying him.

When I went and played with the sadist, I felt that way. I was being choked at one point during the session and I thought of how I felt I should have asked Nick to be playing....I should have got his permission...I felt how I betrayed him in that moment. I also realized I did it because I was trying to push him away. But I did not get his permission and I felt I was dishonoring him.

I have never met him.....so why should I feel that way???

There was one night a long while back where I felt Mistress DM got mad because she thought from something I had said Nick was controlling what I said. And that was not true at all. I was on the phone with Nick once and he said watch your language and I took it, as he did not like what I said in that moment...for that discussion. I believe he did not and so I started watching my language. He did not say I order you to watch your language. He did not say never say anything like that. He did not say you now have a rule where you cannot swear. All he did was point out something that I felt he did not like and so I changed my behavior so that it would please him.

It is a rare occasion when Nick orders me to do something and usually it is a one-time thing...like an assignment. Not something long term...that would be there day in and day out.

So I feel if I went to play with someone even now.....it would be cheating on Nick. And I have not even met Nick. I just think it is how I view a Dominant/submissive relationship. It just feels like I would be dishonoring him if I did not get permission.

But at this moment I am upset.....and feel I deserve more.

Nick and I have had so many talks and things we want seem so right and how he handles me when we do talk are just so on it. So it seems right...so why I am I so unhappy right now? I mean yes we have not met so that would account to not being happy but it is more then that. I mean at least I felt like we had a continuing growing relationship before.

I just am so frustrated tonight.....

I feel like I could write more but it would probably be me saying the same things over in a different way……

danae