New Years Emotions

It is 6am and I have not been to bed yet. I am tired but not able to sleep....

On Monday....

I do not really ever go out on New Year's Eve. I have had people over in years past but this year we had a friend who was going to be alone and Kam did not want her to be...so I told him to go do something with her. He was worried about leaving me alone but I assured him I would be fine. I was :)

I was online this evening and I had a whim to call Sir Nick. I did not think he would be home but thought I could at least wish him a Happy New Year on his machine and ask him to call me asap since I was worried about him.

He answered....

I almost fell off my chair and then almost started crying and then next got mad......

Because here I had been so worried and according to information from my end he had to have known that.....

But found out he had not known.

We had a good conversation but meanwhile I was getting upset that he had not contacted me. And holding that in and then what happened was that I got an attitude with him. And he noticed right away and he handled it. I then basically kind of said what are you going to do about it and he said well right now from here not much I can but the tone of his voice.....not sure what it did to me but I felt instant guilt for being a brat. His voice was not upset really it was just calm....like I could not scare him off. It was moments later I told him I had a confession. And I told him I had been upset that he answered because here I had been worried and he had not contacted me. I never feel Sir Nick is ignoring me - I just do not feel like a priority. And he is one in my life.

So, we talked and he explained and it was all right on. And I then felt even more terrible for giving him attitude.

He made it clear that in person that it would be handled differently then it is on the phone thousands of miles away. He always has this calmness about him and seemed very calm when I started with the attitude but also amused not sure how to explain it.

How it started is that he asked me to explain something and I said I don't know and answer. He does not take that as an answer, especially when I know and am just not saying. He said something to make me see that he reads what I say and what I do not say. My attitude remained small - because believe me it wanted to come out more but I kept it down.

We both then had things to do so had to hang up but he told me he would call me on New Year's Day. And even gave me a time. It is small things like that make me feel very wanted.

I then did the things around here I needed too. And then I signed back online. Di was there. She was in a shopping mood tonight lol :)

Then.....someone who occasionally messages me messaged. And conversations was what I should expect from a person like that. *shrugs* Well, I do not need to worry about it anymore as I am not going to chat with him again. I am missing Ray lots. He is so cool and understands me.

Then Kam and our friend came over and we had pizza and watched the Bridget Jones Diary. It was pretty good. Kam then went to drive her home and Sir Nick called. :) It was 3:30am here. He was feeling good lol He sounded pretty much how he normally does only talking more :) I liked it. He was cute. I liked that he called again to check on me and also tell me he was turning his phone off. Another thing that made me feel good. Because he was telling me that. I knew the reason he was doing it...he has had about an hour sleep in 48 hours so he was needing to get some sleep without interruptions. So, I am glad he was doing that. He told me he would call me today later. And he was just so great.

After I got off the phone with Sir Nick I signed online and Mistress DM was online so I chatted with her briefly.

I tried to lay down and go to sleep and I was a little bit...I was having a really good dream there for a bit :) A dream of crawling into bed with Sir Nick as he laid there in his boxers....yummy and then well having some fun waking him up. :)

I then woke up feel back asleep and then woke up with a nightmare :( I am glad though I had the dream of Sir Nick...and that is what I keep thinking about :)

I worry that I am not being myself with Sir Nick. I get scared to say things to him for fear he will leave or tell me he does not want me. I get scared of saying certain things for fear of his reaction. I did that with Todd to but with Todd I also had just cause to feel that way as he often did come back with negative reactions or reactions that made me feel as though my feelings were not valid. With Kam I do not say lots of things as I just do not want it to start something….so I have got used to holding things back and I do not like that. I want to be open with Nick always. Uggghh…. Well…..

I guess I should try to get some sleep again....

Happy New Year!

peace,
danae

ps: it was nice to change my mood from disappointed to good....and really nice to put it to good at this time of the year :) I did feel good tonight after talking to Sir Nick :)