not marketing pain

‘Call back the energy you are wasting on events of the past.’ ~ Caroline Myss

'Unplug from the BS and let go of the steering wheel.' ~ Caroline Myss

'Healing means getting over the pain, not marketing it.' ~ Caroline Myss

Written Monday evening....blogger was not working when I went to post it.....

This morning I woke up not wanting to get up, but I have been on a vacation with work for 2 weeks now (one week of that at my parents).....so I had to get back in the groove.....

I slept better then I had previous night...did not watch tv as long....was not up as long. So it was better. And I am sure most of that was because of my conversation with Mistress DM and then the rest was because Nick told me not to worry and to sleep better last night before he signed off.

I did not want to get up this morning, but as soon as I signed online I did some work and then my mind started going over things. And my mind kept going back to Nick and things in my conversation with him last night and other conversations. Things just became clear...not clear but I decided it was time to not hold back. I keep a lot back from him and that bothers me a lot.

Today, I felt it weighing on me a lot that it needed some resolve. So I wrote about my feelings. After writing about them I needed to talk and just kind of babble on some things.....because I had already told myself I would talk to Nick about them today. I had concerns, fears and doubts and I needed answers because *I* deserve to know what the he** is going on.

Only thing that was different about today in looking the concerns was that.......I did not bring the past into them. I was very happy about that....it was hard but it is a start not huge maybe not even small but a start. In the past, I would say I am concerned he is doing this because so and so did that when they hurt me or when they lied to me or when they..__ fill in the blank__....but today I just sat down and looked at him and me and nothing else and wrote out the things that bothered me.

And I did that because I do deserve to know that answers. I mean that is what I kept thinking the whole time I wrote and thought about it.

I wanted to talk to Ray this morning so much. I kept feeling that need to talk him but he was not online. But another online hmm friend...trying to find the word for him.....he is someone that I have had some actually very deep conversations with but we have only had probably a dozen conversations - all of them at some point during them about something hard, painful, deep, insightful. He was on and I just needed to kind of babble about some things to kind of get my thoughts gathered. He is an outside party with no emotional stakes in me. He does not know anything about Nick and for some reason that helped me...feel better. He gave me some support and some advice.

It is weird because I will tell people that Nick and I have known each other 5 months online and then shortly after they will ask why we have not met yet. Then they ask if he is married. And I know he is not but then they say okay he is involved. And from the things I told this friend today he asked me the same thing.

Have you ever been sure of something and not known why you are sure of it? That is how I am about Nick - and this issue of him being married or involved. I just knew he was not married and feel he was not involved either.

So I chatted with this friend and then Ray signed on :) And I just went into rambling right away and I was crying and he knew it and told me he was going to call. He was getting pissed because he does not like to see me hurting. He wanted me to be straight with Nick so that I could get the answers and stop being jerked around. He helped me feel better and as I was on the phone with Ray...Nick messaged. He thought something was wrong. I had sent him an email at his regular email and also his work saying I needed to talk to him. So he got worried.

Okay that is all I wrote on Monday....

Tuesday....
I worked and chatted with a friend online. We had a long conversation. I am admitting this out loud. It feels nice to have someone giving me attention. And positive attention. Lately when Sir Rob and I talk we end up fighting. Ray...I love and have fun with but he is unattainable. So it was nice to have someone talking to me who likes what I have to say and wants to be with me.

Wednesday...

It has been a weird day. I have been very much in a kind of grumpy mood. I am wanting to cry and I wanting to scream. And mostly it has to do with Sir Nick.

I am getting very upset about not getting the things I need. And then I start wondering if it is like this now how will it be if we were together.....will I get the things I need from him. Logically when I list out what he wants and what he is like as a man I say yes I am going to get them. But if I start thinking of how I feel today and thinking how come he does not have 5 mins to write me to say thinking about you and then I start to get upset. He always says I am not ignoring you. No, I never feel ignored by him....but I do feel unwanted at times. And little things could correct that things he did before so why won't he do them now?

Yesterday I was sitting talking to a friend who has a ldr/online relationship with a guy and she was describing how things were when they were first online and how they are now. And really she could have been describing Nick and I. The only difference is that Nick has dropped things for me and took time for me where that guy never has for her. Like Monday when I wrote him....all I said is that I needed to talk and he signed online and then called me as soon as he read his mail. He has been like that from the beginning. Back in September the end of it I had to do something that was very hard and things did not go good. I called and left Nick a message where I was totally balling my head off and he called me right away. He is very good with me.....when I am emotional and irrational and being a woman lol So that is why it is not the same as this friend and her guy. Her guy is never there for her. Nick is not always but when I reached out he always has been there. I just wish he were there without me having to ask...at least sometimes.

The quotes on the top of the entry are from Caroline Myss. I saw an interview with her on Oxygen. I wish I could see her in person. I have really liked the things I read on her site.

I am going to end this entry......

peace,
danae