My Will

Music: Joni Mitchell

It seems like the last 2 days have been one conversation after another that have hit on topics I have not wanted to talk about.

Last night I talked with someone online that I had not talked to in a while. And he asked me how my search was going for the "One" and I told him I thought I had found him. And told him a little about Sir Nick and that we were going to meet soon. And he said he was happy for me and then he asked me "and what do you expect to happen to you then?" The other night online Sir asked me the same question.... Well, he asked what did I think will happen when we meet.

And I have been trying very hard not to think about it and have expectations because that is what I did in the past. So I mentioned to Mistress DM today that Sir had asked me that question and I did not want to be asked that question. And that sparked a conversation that I did not expect lol

I live in the past....

I try so hard to not make the mistake of the past that I do not let the past stay in the past.

Mistress DM said that after reading my entry on Dec. 30th about the Forgetting Room that she felt that when I was talking about the Forgetting Room that I was saying we need to worship the past but that is not what I meant to say at all. And I tried to find the words for it today what I was saying but really did not find the right ones.

I am very scared of making my past mistakes. I do not want to go through another Don, Todd, even another relationship like I had with Kam when we were Master/slave....I was just not very happy. I do not want to hold back like I did with Morgan. And I try so hard not to "repeat" the past that I hang on to it.

Mistress DM said lots of good things but one thing she said was that instead of saying I am going to go forward, I say I am going to be opposite of the past and then the past is still with me and has power over me. And it is true. When I talked to Sir about it tonight he totally agreed.

He had more to add. He told me I have low self-esteem. I do. But even with that I hang onto the past. I said to him I am better then I was and that is true and good but I use it as to not go forward...by saying I am better then I was before. I feel I have to be going forward but now I wonder if I ever have. :(

Lately I have been reading things that all seem to come back to just accepting things as they are....to let go of the past, anger and hate and just accept.

Since before Christmas I have been meaning to pick up the Four Agreements again. I need to start listening to what is being said inside my loud whisperings lol I am actually not sure why The Four Agreements I do not think have anything to do with acceptance but I think they might help me let go of the past or accept reality - the here and now better.

I just looked up the website for the The Four Agreements.....

Here is what it says....

THE FOUR AGREEMENTS ARE:

*Be Impeccable With Your Word

Say only what you mean. The word is the most powerful tool we have as humans. Depending upon how it is used, the word can help us to become free or to enslave us. By practicing impeccability we can clear up communication problems, heal relationships, and create enough personal power to break our old limiting agreements.

*Don't Take Things Personally

Each of us lives in our own personal dream, and what we say, what we do, and the opinions we give come from the agreements that we have in our own minds - they have nothing to do with anyone else. By the same token, others' opinions have nothing to do with us, so there is nothing to take personally. When we make the assumption that whatever happens is because of us, we continue to hurt each other and brood about what we call injustice. A huge amount of freedom is gained when we take nothing personally.

*Don't Make Assumptions

We make assumptions when we think we know what others mean, or when we think they know what we mean. The problem with making all those assumptions is that we believe them as the truth, and we blame others for the assumptions that we make. We must have the courage to ask what another means, and the courage to say what we really mean. The day we stop making assumptions, we communicate cleanly and clearly, free of emotional poison.

*Always Do Your Best

This agreement makes the other three possible. When we simply do our best -- not more and not less -- we avoid self-condemnation and we have no regrets. Although our best is always changing, we continually strive to do our best.

I do think that book might help me with acceptance. I need to dig it out again. I have it somewhere in my room lol

Also last night I read this article......it was the only article I ended up reading on the site last night (read other articles on the site before it is a GREAT site)....Spiritual Surrender

Last night when I read this part....I started crying and I could not figure out why...

"For me, spiritual surrender is about learning to let go, and accepting life for what it is, not what I wish it could be. By learning to let go, I don't mean quitting or settling for less out of life. It doesn't excuse me from striving to succeed. For me, its more of a moment of recognition, of knowing that I am at a certain place in my life: this is the way it is right now, holding onto anger or resisting acceptance will only hamper me
from moving forward"

Kaylee always has words for what I feel...I admire her that she is able to write and be so free with expressing her feeling and thoughts and sharing it with so many.

Acceptance....so much of my life has been about acceptance you think I would have got that message by now lol

Now on to the hard part...

How do I do it...how to I live in the here and now and not the past? How do I go forward from HERE?

I asked Mistress DM about that...and she asked me how strong my will was which was a whole interesting conversation on its own but I will get to that in a moment.

I have to let my will overcome my past - the doubts the fears the issues of the past. I use my will to accept and surrender the past to the past.

But I am not sure how to do that.....3 separate times tonight the past came crashing to the front....

Talking with Kam about my dad and I got very upset when talking about it. And then I was having a convo with Di and found something out that I had not known before and it upset me. I asked her about it and really it is okay because she is my best friend and that does not change. But it affected me and I did not like it. And then Sir said something tonight that made me think of a moment with Todd and it was like it was replaying as he went on chatting to me. And that peeved me too...that it toyed with me. So how do I stop the past from coming forward with memories...things spark them...conversations, music, objects...how to I let them not affect the here and now. ugghhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Mistress DM asked me about my will tonight....She said that i have surrendered it to Nick and sometimes I surrender it to her also and I do. But I struggle at times surrendering......

And she pointed out something tonight....and I had never seen it that way....

I told her I thought my will was strong because I struggle at times to let go.....

And she said that I was wrong...that it was my ego that was causing the struggle and it was my will that overcame it and let go. And it is true that is how it is....she said that it is my nature to submit so that anything that keeps me from doing that is not my will...that it is ego, pride, doubts, fear..... and that my will overcomes it and does what is really inside me and what my true authentic self seeks.

So I need to let my will...overcome my doubts, fears and ego and let go of the past.....

easy right? lol

good night....

peace,
danae