Loyalty

This post is a post for getting out some feelings....I never write about Kam and myself as it is something he does not like....but this is for me and I do get upset that I edit myself......

so this is for me...I am feeling like if he reads this (but he told me he does not read my journal) that it would hurt him and I do not want to hurt him....but he does not read it....

so...here it is...me being angry tonight...and trying to get it out...

Tonight Kam it seems like he has done several things to upset me. I just get sick of it being like this. I mean he gets up and he acted like he was mad. So I asked him. He knows there is a lot going on with me....he actually was the one to point it out. He starts into things and I do not like that the past happened with us the way it did but it did. And I do not bring up the past until he starts pushing things back in my face. And usually all I say is, I know I understand. But like he notices that. (how that was said that tone I do not say with him because it will be thrown back in my face that I was sarcastic.) It is just that I am the bitch that did not give him another chance. How many chances do you give a person? A person who I love but is not compatible with me at all...I mean we fucking don't even believe in the same things or want the same things.

Okay...this is something I believe. I am a new age freak at times. John Edwards from the TV show Crossing Over I believe and Kam knows it. He knows that I believe in this guy. And strange thing about John Edwards is I do not have desire to meet him to talk to be people in my past. I don't have that desire which actually bothers me a little that I don't want to. But I would like to meet John Edwards because I get good feelings about him as a person. And Kam knows I get good feelings about John Edwards as a person. Well, Kam is almost always the pessimist about people like that. He believes John Edwards is a con. Anyway, I had the show on tonight and he said something sarcastic about and then had to of course start going into that he is con. I almost turned the channel, as I did not want to hear it AGAIN. But decided no I want to watch this so I am going to. Because lots of times I don't watch as I do not want to hear those comments so I just opt not watching it but it is on a time where Kam is usually up so it is a rare occasion when I get to see it. So I did and he would shake his head and then finally after it was done he started talking about how this guy was a con and he could do the same things. Kam has insights into people. But how Kam says that John Edwards does this is not really the way he is doing it. He said anyone could ask questions that are broad. And I said he asks pretty specific questions and describes things that are specific that he should not know. And Kam is like no he is being general. And I want to say did you listen at all what he was saying in his show.

Anyway, we do not agree on these things we never do...

I give people a chance and Kam does not. That is how it has always been.

And I get sick that someone who knows I believe in something has to tell me that my beliefs are "wrong" that I am "stupid" for believing in something. And that is how I feel after conversations like that with Kam. He never says you are stupid well he has...but not on this topic. He just implies that I am "wrong" and way off base for believing in this.

I mean we have such basic beliefs that are different.

Mistress DM and I had a conversation a week ago or more about me letting go of my past. She said I would have to let go of the loyalty thing if i let go of my past. When she said that, I was like "great!" inside...as it is not my thing anyway. It is something I have picked up from Kam and it is one thing I have always had a bad feeling about. I still do not do it like Kam does...i do it to a lesser degree which has always annoyed Kam. Kam pretty much does not give anyone the benefit of the doubt. I mean if someone does something he does not like he cuts them out of his life right away. I will talk to a person about it....I pretty much have a 3 strikes you are out rule. You can wrong me..hurt me...three times and then it is getting to be an unhealthy situation so bye.

The loyalty thing where like when a person who has basically stabbed me in the back a few times...and then I do not wish my friends to be friends with them I would say has never been a loyalty thing until Kam. It was more a thing of I do not want you to be hurt by him. It is also a belief thing....where if a person is friends with that person who stabbed me in the back, I feel as though they are saying I am the one in the wrong that did something wrong. So that is my issue and I have known that a long time. Comes back to my self-esteem and acceptance issues.

I do not like my past with Kam. I have hung on to it but I have let go of a lot too. Mostly I have let go - forgave and forgotten "events". It is more that I am just still hurt by the whole instead of all the little things. Wonder if that makes sense. But Kam hangs on to the little things. He had to bring back my words and say them to me as he does in every argument we have. I sit there. If I get any look...do anything...say anything...he gets meaner with his words. So mostly I try to just sit there, as it just is something I do not like to have to go through.

Last year when I did the changes it was one thing I changed, how I handled arguments with him. Instead of screaming back insults and past events, I just tried to sit there and say what he is saying is his things not mine. His anger not mine. But I do have anger. I just have not found a way with Kam to express it where it does not get turned around and he plays the victim and me the big bad bitch....which he does anyway actually.

Guess that is what I am trying to do by writing about it, as I never write about Kam things because he does not like it...and so i am trying to write to get my feelings out....my anger....as it has no where to go.

He thinks he is the only one that gives anything....and I just take from him. And there is lots I give to him some I do not mind and others I do not want to but I know that he does lots of me so I want to try to be fair.

He was laid off his job in December and tonight he started talking of the us moving out and getting our own places again. We share a business - He does not have job right now - We have so much that is OURS and he acts like it is something that is going to be just so easy.

He told me that I say things to purposely hurt him. And I don't that is one thing I am VERY careful about BECAUSE of that fact he does that to me all the time. He says things just to hurt me. And I did tell him that.

In the arguments he always brings up a time where he asked me to stop seeing "Sir" and I said no. It was a hard decision to make. And Kam never will forgive me for it. His thing is he says that he would never do that to me and I said in our initial argument...you did it to me over and over again for 2 years I was owned by him. And he has done it in the last 2 years also but i have not said that. But it is easier to blow off now because I am not his. When I was his it hurt more. Now it is like I just kind of say it is his life....and this is mine. So, I made the decision I did because I decided it was time that I did what I felt was best for me instead of putting others needs above mine. And Kam says that I "harmed" him by doing that and that hurtful and did it on purpose. I said no, I did what was best for me and he always says "I would never do that to you". That he did not know...the things he was doing was hurting me is what he says and he says I did and still did it. So that he is the better...nicer person. So this person that tells me this in ever argument is the better person? This person that says sarcastically like "Sir" and Todd were good choices. The person that throws words and event back in my face over and over is the better person? As I sit there and just shake my head. He said why are you shaking your head. I said because I do not hurt you purposely you are hurting me purposely now.

So this man that suppose to love me and wants me to give him another chance does these things to me once a week or more.....feels i am being unreasonable for not giving him a chance.

I admit....I do not know how he does it. It has to be hard knowing that I might leave someday. I feel guilt daily for it and that is why I try to do certain things to make it easier. I do not chat about certain things and it is hard because Kam is like a best friend and so it is hard not to share things when I am hurting and when I am excited. But I do it because I do not wish to hurt him.

In the end when this is all said and down the thing is that this person that loves me does not like me as a person so how can I be with him?

peace,
danae