Goes back to acceptance

For 3 days I have had a migraine on and off. So that has not been fun!

Last night I talked to Sir Nick on the phone.....actually 2 nights in a row. I enjoyed hearing his voice and hearing of work and a movie that he went to recently that played a part in life. It was good to feel that connection.

I asked him a hard question for me. It would have just been so much easier to chat about it online but I know him to know those type of topics I really should ask him on the phone because it is what he want and prefers.

Our conversation was somewhat about me making my own decisions. Sir Nick basic thing is I have a brain and need to use it. It is not that he does not think I do not use it. He just at this time views things as I am here and I need to make this decision for myself - what is right for me. If I was there though he still would probably make me make some decisions.

I have been mulling something over for a long time actually. But asked him about it last night….I run the business but I also work in the business. And that has been causing me some stress as I want to please him and I know his views.....and so I have made some changes and not worked at much as I had been. Well, right now the opportunity has come up where I could be working more and I thought about it and part of me wants to and the other part of me doesn't because of him. So, I am not sure what to do...

And his words where on this.....to do what is right for me. Which was not the answer I was wanting and he knew it right away. But he basically told me he wants me to make this decision myself. And that even if I was there and his 24/7 in control he would probably still make me make *this* decision on my own. Because I needed to do what felt good and right to me. It would have been easier for him to just make the decision but I understand why he is making me make this one.

Well, then today I chatted with someone else that got my mind a turning more on the subject and so then I had to write a HUGE long letter to Sir Nick and I am sure we will have another conversation about this again tonight or soon.

Now, I am okay with him not making the decision but some of his reasons behind not making it have brought up some concerns.

Goes back to acceptance.

I am who I am and even if I do not do the job I have now forever it still is a part of me that I enjoy right now. So I need acceptance with it.

People in my life have had all sorts of varying views on it. A couple it created jealousy, others felt it was “wrong” - because of society and actually one person thought it did me a lot of good. He actually encourage me to work - especially after Todd broke up with me. Anyway, it does come down to an acceptance thing for me.

As someone said to me today - Acceptance is at the heart of what drives me. That is true.

Ray and this other friend both right away asked me why I had not updated my journal. I believe both know that at times I just hold back and have problems getting things out so I don't write.

I was just sitting here thinking of Nick. He is awesome. He signed on just to tell me he had something come up at work and so we would not be able to chat. And I told him that I had sent him a long letter. He said he would read it later and we would discuss it tomorrow.

I go through my times wondering if I am really submissive. If it is in me but then I look at some things in my life and realize I am very submissive I fight it. I fight it a lot. And that makes me wonder why? Because when I submit I like the feeling. It feels so good. So why would I not want to submit always?

Well, going to go read and write a couple posts to some email groups.....

peace,
danae