Long Ass Post

Music: Empire Records Soundtrack (never even seen the movie love the soundtrack though), Coldplay, Dave Matthews

Mistress DM is a very good writer. She writes on her website a piece called Perceptions. This last piece is something I have written about also. Submission as a Gift.

First comments on her writing. She always makes me think with her writing - she brings clear ideas that were kind of clouded or she give me a different perceptive even if it is not my own. The latest writing not only said things very clearly, but it did something else. She made me laugh. She used some humor in her writing. Maybe she does it often but this time I got it. And enjoyed it a lot! I know she knows how to use sarcasm I have seen it up close and personal. :)

There here is something I wrote a while back.....

Submission is not a Gift

I wrote this 11/9/00

Submission is not a gift to me.

Submission is a need.

I am an artist. When I do my art I am not giving it to someone as a “gift.” Yes, it is nice that someone else enjoys it, but it is not something I do for another. I do my art because I need too.

I need to give my submission. I need to serve and eventually surrender.

When I was owned – I did not believe that my service to my Owner was a gift. It was my duty. I consented to his Ownership and Dominance and thus had the duty to serve him. I gave consent because I needed to submit.

I do believe there are some Dominants out there that can compel a submissive to submit. If she did not have that in her nature though – have that desire or need – then she would not submit. When she is compelled, she is acting from what is within herself – from the nature, desire, and need thus doing it because something in her was sparked by that Dominant. When the Dominant compels her and she does submit, I do not believe she does as a gift. She does it because it is a part of her.

I do not think that getting up at 3am to run to the store because my Owner had a craving for Ben & Jerry’s to be a gift. It is a duty. I do not call putting in an 18-hour day for my Owner a gift it is the submissive serving her Owner. It is not my “gift” to my Owner. I need to serve and yes those things may not be fun but they are what I need to do to complete myself in my submission.

Anyway....that is what I wrote...

It is making me think on that subject more. As things have changed in me and views….I still do not think submission is a gift. Just like my art is not a gift.

D/s with Nick is different. He does not do rules (yet). Or anything he just is the person he is....a Dominant male and he compels me to be a better person and in being that better person I serve him better. I was going to use an analogy using the night I was giving him attitude on the phone and he was amused that I finally was doing that. But it is not coming out right lol

I stopped with the attitude because I do not want to be doing that. I knew I was giving him attitude because I was upset that he had not contacted me to let me know he was alive. He had very reasonable explanation for me but I still was upset and taking it out on him by giving him attitude. He did not say stop or you will be punished. He actually joked about it since it was the first time and he felt it was "cute" and also because he is in clear across the country. He kind of joked back with me he said things in his joking though that made it clear that attitude will not go far in person. And in that it made me realize what I was doing. He did not order me or suggest what I might do...he just compelled me to stop. And I did.

I was just reading Mistress DM's journal. She talks about that she has list of things she wants - it is almost like a shopping list but that a person may have everything on that list but still not be the right person. If there is not the chemistry then they might not be looked at for a potential relationship. And likewise if there is chemistry sometimes the person might not have all that is on the shopping list but that if they are missing a few things that might be ignored because there is that chemistry there and that is important to click.

I agree. There are a few Dominants who I chat with that I could check off lots of things on my shopping list. But with Sir Nick the chemistry is there and we click. So he is the one :)

Things I need to do this next week: Write a bunch of people, finish reorganizing my house, send a few packages off one to Germany, call and go out with some friends - have Christmas gifts to give a few still since I was out of town.

I am starting to panic already about meeting Nick and it probably will not happen until the first weekend in March.

I chatted with Ray online this afternoon for a little bit. And Sir Rob. I had not talked with Ray in a while because of the virus and then being at my parents and then him being gone out of town. So we just got a chance to chat. I missed him lots.

We were talking about trust and honesty. He has always been truthful with me. Not only truthful but also empathetic. He wants what is best for me. He is a good man. I have had a few people ask me why I am not with him. Well, because this good man is already taken :) He was taken from the moment I met him....engaged and then married. If only....comes to mind. :)

Well, changing subject oh so subtlety lol...not....

This time at my parents I felt the most able to myself then I ever have been able to...my parents did not lecture me on anything. They didn't interrogate me about my life. I was able to just really relax. It was really nice too because I did not have to make one decision while there lol My mom would just say okay going to my aunts today, going shopping, going such and such place for dinner. So everything was planned for me lol

I went to church on Christmas Eve....the pastor at my parents church though annoys me lol He actually reminds me some of Todd. When Todd turned on the charm he could sell swamp land and make it sound like the dreams spot for your vacation home. And this is how this pastor is....where he is fake. Todd was not fake but not real lol He was an illusion.

I miss him. I admit it. I still care for him deeply. But I could never be with him like it was....when I was with him. I need someone who gives me as much as I give them. And he would not give me anything....but lies and projects of his feelings.

Okay enough on that subject....

While I was at my parents I was thinking about love and if you can fall in love with someone online. I do not think you can. I think you can grow to love a person online but not have that bond of "true" love...where you are "in" love with the person. I loved Honey before I met her real life. I fell head over heels for her when I met her in person. I think with my ex-husband I always cared for him but that I did not really fall in love with him until our 4th year of marriage when we were working on things. And I thought it was going to get better. Todd - I liked online but - it was in person...actually the first time we met...that I fell in love with him. I looked at him and he smiled at me and I looked to his eyes and felt my life flash before my eyes....things I had not thought I would ever want again...marriage kids to be a wife. I care for Nick and I love him but it is not the same as being "in" love. There is this connection and this part of me that aches when I am not in contact with him. I also worry about him LOTS. Not that those things spell love but...he has come the closet to a real person that I want to be completely honest and free with. Like with the attitude - stopping it and then apologizing...that would not have happened in the past I would have either pushed the attitude as far as I could to see what happened (thinking I would push them away) or I would stop and pretend that I was not giving attitude because I was upset about something else. I would have justified it in my mind. I did not do that with Nick. I am myself with Ray also. And I love him too.

I have a big heart :)

On a list that I am on they were naming the top 5 they would want to be with.....if they could :)

I cannot name just 5...

So here are some names

Of course first on my list has to be Nick *grin*

Angelina Jolie
Fiona Apple
Stacy Haiduk
Shannyn Sossamon
Jessica Alba (Dark Angel ~ Reminds me of Jackie)
Karina Lombard
Patricia Velazquez
Brad Pitt
Hugh Jackman
Richard Gere
Heath Ledger
Ed Harris
Kevin Smith
Antonio Banderas

Questions on who any of these people are go to The Internet Movie Database

It is almost 4am I can't sleep...I started the journal entry at 1am. I stop and start it as I chat with people and do things online.

I should try to get some sleep but I just do not feel it will come tonight :(

I am just not tired.

I just had about 3 gentlemen message me telling me that they were horny. I can't believe that a woman would like that. Talk to me as a person first....is the way to get to me. Then I had a man ask me after I said I was devoted to one if I wanted to cyber with him. I then told him I do not cyber and if I did that I should probably ask Sir Nick how he feels about me doing that since I am not a free submissive. And they do not get it. They just keep trying to convince me to cyber. Or then I get the opposite....they want to cyber and such but how I talk of Sir Nick that they are impressed with me as a submissive and my devotion and then that draws them to talk to me like a normal person and then they like me and still do not get I am devoted to ONE. lol It is weird.

Well, I am going to go pop a dvd in and try to get some sleep....

peace,
danae