Friday, March 13, 2009

March Questions: Arguing

"I want to please and obey my Master but sometimes I argue with myself in my head. Sometimes I feel like screaming no at Master. I want to make him happy but sometimes the things he asks of me make me very uncomfortable. What would you do? Do you have any advice that could help me through those kind of times?"

I need more info to understand your questions/situation. But I going to answer the best I can from my own experiences. I am going to assume from the rest of your email (just copied the questions for the blog) that you are new to your relationship with your Master. But my first piece of advice is to talk to your Master. Let him know how you are feeling.

When I was new to my relationship with Master, I would argue in my head (and sometimes out loud too) and feel defiant at times and even today though very rarely these days - I do argue inside. It is how I acted on those feelings that matter. I would try to slow down my emotions to look at it rationally - why I was I fighting internally so much? What was it about it that was upsetting me? And then when I figured that out I could fix whatever it was that going on - so that I could stop the internal fighting of his orders. Of course I had to obey often before doing all that work. But it was still important to do the work so that the next time it went easier. And of course this all sounds easy in print - actually doing the work of figuring out what is going on and creating to solutions to fix it - is a lot harder and doesn't always work the first time or even just figure it out on the first try of looking at it. I often would journal it to figure it out - writing always helps me wade through emotions and get to the root of the problem. I also communicated with Master what was going on and he often had ideas on what was going on too - that helped me get through it.

I think really reacting just to being owned and having to obey cause lots of internal conflict when new to the relationship. The more you do it the more it becomes easier. The more it just is part of who you are so their isn't as much arguing going on inside. But even 6 years into this relationship I still go through moments of internal arguing. Most of the time I can pinpoint it to PMS (which I don't like using as an excuse but it does cause real symptoms), over-tired or other health related issues that are making me not focus as well.

And also even today I am uncomfortable in doing some things he desires - there is clothing that Master likes that make me feel very out of place, self-conscious and just not very good about me. And although I know he loves those things - pleasing him just isn't enough to wear it for him. It is hard for me to push through it. There are things that help me get through it. But I still struggle with it even today with it. Master and I talk about it a lot and we haven't found the right solution yet to help me get through it. And I feel guilty about not being able to just enjoy it for him. But no amount of self talk makes it easier for me. I am grateful Master doesn't push this one as he sees what it does to me - my self-image. But it is my hope that one day I will work through it.

That is all we can do - work through the best we can. And keep working on it.

Please feel free to ask me a question or many!

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