Sunday, March 29, 2009

March Questions: Outting & Advice/Resources

Someone who knows you threatens to out you to someone who would not be receptive to the lifestyle (a good vanilla friend, a co-worker, a family member) -- what do you do if anything?

I once had someone out me as an escort to good friends. And it turned out okay only because the friendship was pretty strong. Of course though, I wish I would have been able to tell them myself - as I intended to do in the first place.

I don't think there is much you can do when someone threatens to out you. You can either go and beat them to the punch and out yourself. Or you can sit back and let them come to you after you are outed. I think it would depend on the person what I would do - I can see some people I would like to tell them before someone had a chance. But I think in other situations I wouldn't. Because in the case of a co-worker - my personal life isn't any of their business. So it just would depend on the situation and who it was exactly that they threatened to out me to.


I am going to combine two questions that were asked by 2 different people about a similar topic...What advice do you wish someone had given you when you were starting out as a submissive? and then People are always coming to you for advice on the lifestyle - what top three sources would you recommend to them as good starting points to know more about the lifestyle?

The first question...I wish someone would have told me ignore the advice that is given online and use common sense and my own knowledge and feelings. And really my own common sense was telling me that but I got caught up in group think for a while so lost the right way for me. I wish I had never read several websites out there that people often give as must read for those who are new. What I feel and going by my own core beliefs is better then anything out there - for me. I mean my own logic tells me to get involved with someone who is compatible with me. I don't need a protector or SSC to tell me that. My brains don't need to fall out just because I am doing BDSM - what I would have done before I got involved still applies.

So that leads into the second question and after reading the first question - I think you can guess what my advice would be - to trust yourself. Now we have a website and I like that people read it and write me telling me that it helped them. And of course their are many really good reads out there - so I am not saying to not read them. I am saying read it and don't take it as the end all be all. Safewords might not be for you - good old fashion communication might be better so saying, "I am feeling faint" might work better then "red." So what I am saying - what works for me might not work for you. And just because 10 million websites say "YOU MUST HAVE SAFEWORDS" - your own common sense can tell you what will work best for you not "the BDSM RULES" out there on the internet.

The second source is talk to your d-type (if you are in a relationship of course.) Often submissive writing me asking advice on a problem they have in their relationship and when I ask if they have talked to their dominant often the answer is that they haven't. If I am struggling in submitting to something Master wants - I usually first try to look at it myself see if I can fix it but my next step and sometimes my first step before looking at it myself is going to him. Talking to him about it because he can't read my mind. Usually because he is in the relationship with me and can see why I am struggling before I can. It doesn't always happen that way but talking through it can usually reveal what is going on.

I think the next best source is making friends of like mind. People that know you can help you better then a stranger. My friends know how I react, often how I think after being friends with me for so long so they can tell me - I am being a bitch and get off my high horse. Someone on the internet that is hearing just a little bit of my side of the story isn't going to know that. They might end up saying "oh honey dump him - he isn't being nice and taking care of your needs" because they see that one piece of information and not the big picture. So that is my last piece of advice - have friends you can talk with that know you and will give you honest advice that applies to your life.

And again I am not saying that the internet sucks for information - I am just saying use your own common sense and base of knowledge about yourself on what will be best for you.

Please feel free to ask me a question or many!

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