Friday, March 20, 2009

smeared mascara on my pillow

First Battlestar Galactica! OMG! Amazing! I loved it! Sad to see it go but wow did they wrap it up well (at least in my humble opinion.)

Okay so on to the point of the post...

Today Master was horny and I wasn't. I have been having insomnia so was up late, add in a busy day so I  just was exhausted. When I am over tired, I feel down and I get weepy. So we went to the bedroom and as I said I wasn't horny so nothing felt good. Often things hurt, but my masochism usually comes out gets off the pain and suffering. But today wasn't that day. Today it just added to my feeling down and made me cry. Sometimes Master wants me on the same page as him and turned on and getting enjoyment, but today Master's beast was out and liked that I cried and was feeling used. He liked that I didn't like what he was doing. It turned him on. He had me use the hitachi on myself and normally that thing gets me off in no time, but my mind was pretty much in melt down mode so I couldn't orgasm. Again Master liked it - liked that I couldn't orgasm, liked that I was crying about it, and that I was just getting more and more upset. He told me as such while I was crying and getting upset - told me that he was getting turned on by my meltdown. 

After I couldn't orgasm, I took him in hand was stroking him - truthfully just wanting to get it done. As I stroked him, he told me he liked that I failed in getting myself off. Here I am a whore and can't even get myself off. As I stroked him had visions of telling me he was going to stick me in the closet for failing. He liked the thought of hearing me cry behind the locked door. Sobbing hysterically. He orgasmed to that thought. I on the other hand was upset by that thought and feeling grateful he didn't stick me in the closet. I felt small. I  felt like I needed a good hard cry and curl up in a little ball, but not in the closet. At least that is what I was telling myself.  My body was reacting to that thought. I hadn't been wet until Master told me he wanted to put me into the closet and her me sob. I am messed up. 

I snuggled next to him after he orgasmed. The thought of being locked in the closet kept turning over and over in my asked to masturbate. Of course what did I masturbate to - the seed he had just planted of putting me in the closet. The one he described while he orgasmed. I orgasmed hard. Twisted mind. I hate that it is like that. I hate that he says something and it makes me want to go hide, it upsets me, and makes me cry, but then the next moment I am fantasizing about it. Again at the same time - I love that it is that way. I love that it twists and turns like that - that I hate it and that it gets me off.

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