Hiding the Toys

I am cleaning house right now.  I have been reorganizing and purging things as I go...I started in the fall during my regular fall cleaning, but with some other priorities and my pain getting in the way I wasn't able to complete it. So I started it again now. I will go through Christmas things when I take them down to see what things were left in the boxes that I didn't put up, what things we weren't thrilled with that were up (thinking of 2 things in particular), and donate those too. I got rid of some Christmas stuff last year too and that really actually felt good this year when I was putting things out. It was more simple and that was nice.

But the main reason I am into a big cleaning thing right now though is my parents are going to visiting shortly after the new year.  My Mom is the type of Mom that can't sit still so if she sees something that needs to be cleaned she will clean it. She doesn't really white glove things, but I do know it goes through her head that she wonders why something isn't as clean as she would have it - I saw her do this at my sister's home. So I am kind of being obsessed about getting things in order so she won't have anything to do here. My Mom also is the type that she isn't really snoopy, but she likes to look at how people have things decorated and likes to just look around. She won't be opening drawers or anything, but walking into our bedroom just because she wants to see how it looks - since she hasn't been here in a while - isn't beyond her.

before parent proofing

In October, we got a new bed.  I  know she will want to see it.  Because we have described how tall our bed is now so she will be curious which means she will go into the bedroom - so today I am parent proofing the bedroom.

We have a hat rack with floggers, whips, crops and canes hanging off it. Now robes and coats are covering them all. Master has an armoire that has his clothing on one half and the other half is full of baskets and bins of kinky toys. I labeled all the bins and baskets this year so they have tags that say rope, restraints, chain, spanking implements and so on. When the doors are open, you can see all the little tags clearly. It will be closed, but just in case it is open or she does happen to open it, I am feeling the need to have some things moved/covered a little more. I  reorganized within the armoire to have clothing stacked in front of the baskets and bins so you can't see the labels and it is dark enough at the back of the armoire that you can't make out what is in the baskets.  

I have books and sex toys all around the room that will have to be put on lower less noticeable shelves or in drawers. For Christmas I got an 9 inch vibro realistic cock from Eden Fantasys and it is sitting on a dresser. Very pretty and very big - so unmissable (can't wait to play with it!).

before parent proofing

All this though is bothering me slightly because....I am an adult.  I have been adult for a long time now - as I am 45.  So my question within is why bother because this is who I am.....but at the same time I don't want to make my parents uncomfortable and if you walk into the bedroom although most of the things are not obvious - if you look long enough you will see it.  Especially all the sex toys. I have the njoy pure plug sitting on its box on a shelf just below eye level. The violet ripple glass butt plug, the Dukes (ben wall balls) and several books such as the Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage and the Beauty series are all out. We have fetish coffee table type picture books on a night stand.  So if you are standing in the room for more then just a moment or two you will start to notice these things. 

So is it a so what if they see or is it cover it up because they are your parents and out of respect for them....keep it hidden?  Do you hide things from family and friends - even if they know or just with those that don't know?  Or just keep it out and let the questions come out - if they dare to ask?  

Right now I am in the stage of cover it up - I don't want to make them uncomfortable. But as I said it is bothering me slightly that I can't just be me.

Bah Humbug

 Well I am feeling a little bah humbug this year. I just haven't gotten into it.  Usually the the house is all decorated by now and I am full on making gifts and baking. But the only things done right now are the tree is up and have almost got all the holiday cards done.

I actually did enjoy doing the letter as it was more info graphic type look to it instead of a straight letter of what we did in 2012. But really that is the only holiday thing I have done so for and usually I am more together and on it.

Last year we were rushed so I didn't get to do the usual Christmas stuff so I really should be enjoying the time I have this year doing it, but I am not.  It might be that I am just kind of tired though too....just feel like all of our autumn since we had a trip in September has made me behind and tired. I keep trying to catch up, but don't feel I ever really get there.

On top of that last week Master had the flu - and it was his birthday. So I just was very busy taking care of him. He really was sick and it worried me a lot, but he is finally starting to feel a little better.  We have to go out of town the end of this week for work so I am hoping he is feeling up to it.

Meeting Family

I got a question from a comment a while back on how we were going to introduce teacup to Master's family when we were going to a family event last month.  

I lived within a poly family in Ohio. Now I lived with a man, a several female. My family never asked me about it, but they knew I was the man. They just never asked about everyone else. They just "assumed" they were roommates.  But I did always think they kind of wondered what was going on as it didn't quite make sense. My family just tends to deal with me as being on the outside and a free-spirit that doesn't do normal things. So they tend to not think about what is really going on. 

When teacup started visiting us, we told family about a friend visiting. They are now getting used to hearing her name every time we visit each other. We aren't really coming out to them, just trying to get them used to knowing she is here and part of our family. We have come out to two family members though about her, one on my side and one on Master's. So Master's sister knew who she was to us and and welcomed her. Master's sister is excited that we have found someone to be a part of our family.

I will say that I do think Master's Dad might ask eventually about her and what is going on. I am not sure that it will happen just a hunch.  We have discussed some options if that happens and one is just saying she is a part of our family. I am not sure how much will be asked, but the truth is she is a part of our family.

For now though Master's parents really like teacup and were happy to meet her.  

Terms of Endearment

I am not a big terms of endearment person. I do use them with Master in vanilla settings as it is easier for me than using his name. His name is Michael which of course starts with the same letter as Master so when I start to say to say Michael in vanilla settings it usually turns to Master before I can think. So saying my beloved or love is easier than his first name often. I really have to concentrate to make sure I use something other than Master. I have only had it slip once before - well almost two times now. 

Master uses terms of endearment with me also. Some in the privacy of our home and some out and about when people can't hear what he is whispering. 
I know my view of kinky/dirty terms of endearment have changed over the years. When I was married, being called slut would have sent - well did send me into a tailspin. But know when Master calls me a slut, I just become a puddle as it turns me on.  Same with cunt, dirty whore, worthless whore, cow, pig and so on.   

There are some terms of endearment I am not fond and actually kind of annoy the crap out of me when I am called them.  They aren't even bad words - I mean someone being called a cunt can really get them up and arms but being called pet or little one might not. But for me being called pet or little one - annoy me. 

It goes back to really when I first started online and jumping into bdsm communities online as well as offline. I got called those 2 names quite a bit and it always made me feel like they person saying it was thinking this was a game not my way of life. It made me feel like I am going to call you pet and you are going to kneel demurely by my feet during this meeting and then I will go home and spank and fuck you and tomorrow we can go to work and act like nothing happened. 

Instead of living it - on and on - which is what I wanted and craved. But often the men that called me pet or little one weren't wanting it long term so I often just ended up feeling like these few hours of being called pet or little one were just a game.  I know it wasn't a game to them. It is just how they did things and that is perfectly fine. If you are someone that can just do this on weekends, or when the mood strikes - that is good for you. I just need to serve and be owned by Master 24/7.  

Since that time in my life the terms of endearment - pet and little one - make me cringe inside. The thing is Master likes pet as a term of endearment. He likes calling me pet and even almost 10 years in this relationship - I still have problems hearing it. I know logically it is Master who is saying this - the man I have served for almost 10 years - everyday all day long. But I still cringe. I wish I could reprogram myself to not wrinkle my nose at the word pet. It is something I continue to work on, but not sure I will ever get those images of those who have called me it before him.  But I keep trying to just let it go and not wrinkle my nose. 

So silly really - out of all the words that I get upset about it is the word pet. Pet. So silly. 

Holiday Cheer with Eden Fantasys

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No Right Way

“You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist.” ~Friedrich Nietzsche

Just a little public service announcement:  

Dear beautiful reader, 

There is no right way to do this....just because you don't serve like me doesn't make you a failure and just because I don't serve like others doesn't make me a failure in doing it "right."  We all have our own way of doing this....make it your own and do what is best for you.  Don't try to emulate someone online. Just make it work for the relationship you are in....what feels good to you, what works best for you and that is your way. 

peace to you,
danae

30 Days - Day 13

Day 13: Explain as best you can what the appeal of kink/BDSM is to you?  Why are you drawn to what you’re drawn to?

The appeal of kink/BDSM is that it is just a part of me. I can look back in all my intimate relationships that I really enjoyed and felt good in - and they all had some kind of power dynamic going on or kinky aspects to them.  I am drawn to a certain kind of man that naturally seems to be draw out my submissive/service side. 

I enjoy service based relationships because I like pleasing - I am not a people pleaser now as much as I was when I was younger.   But I still enjoy pleasing Master and knowing I am enhancing his life by serving him.  He doesn't have to worry about clothes being wash or ironed, he doesn't have to worry about cleaning his toilet, he doesn't have to worry about many daily things so he can focus on other things that matter to him such as his business. 

I am not sure why I am drawn too it - I kind of stopped trying to figure it out a long time ago. I just am and it fulfills me so that is all that matters.  

previous answered questions

Peace

Okay so I have been bad...really bad this fall about posting. I was on such a good streak and now....I have fallen off into the abyss again.

Things have just been busy.....and I have been really tired by the end of the day so.....blog is one of those things I let go of fairly quickly when that happens unfortunately as I do like to write. I do write actually - I just don't always post.  Doesn't feel complete the thought I start when I write so I don't post it and always have good intentions of coming back and finishing them.

So somethings going on in bullet points...
* got a new bed...sleep is so much better!

* got a few other new pieces of furniture and so the house felt like we had just moved in there for a bit

* my pain - the sciatica well it is worse at the moment which is typical I guess for how we are treating it. See I have one leg longer then the other - by 1/2 inch so....throwing everything off. I have a temporary lift in my shoe that is small then a half inch because starting slowly. Well pushing things back is making me in more pain.  Such pain that my therapist was concerned too and my medical and mental health are all linked in through the same place so....she was wanting me to make another appointment. I have a follow up for the end of the month.

* therapy is going really well right now.  I really appreciate all the help my therapist has given me. I know I mentioned back at the beginning of the year - I changed therapist's and my new therapist I love! She is so great about everything. Even the poly.

* teacup is going to be arriving on Saturday. She will be meeting all of Master's family as we will be there for a family event through the weekend.

* We will head home to have Thanksgiving here.

* Going to see some friends after Thanksgiving - can't wait to see them as we haven't been able to get together with them since the beginning of summer.

*The other day when I was sitting waiting to go into my therapy appointment something happened with another patient and it bothered me a lot.  I barely made it back into my therapists office without starting to cry.  It just bothered me and hurt so....I told her about it and felt better as she understood what happened and I knew then she would handle it after there making sure the person was okay.  But it just really made me feel for the other person.  One of my favorite sayings is - "Be kind for everyone is fighting a battle."  I think it is so true. We never know people's stories or the battle they are fighting so it really bothers me when people are unkind and lack compassion towards others.

Two friends right now are in an argument that escalated so much that they ended the friendship. I can get we all have different views. I can get we all have a core belief that sometimes we can't see beyond and see it how others see it.  My parents go to a church that is doesn't believe in Gays/Lesbians. Their church believes marriage is between a woman and man and any other type of relationship is a sin.  They also voted for Romney and who is against Gays/Lesbians having equal rights.  My sister is a lesbian. I am bisexual, but not out to them. But my sister is out to them. And they are against her loving in my eyes. Now they would explain they are for her loving and getting married, they just don't "support" the church's view or Romney's but they support the church through donating money to it weekly. The supported Romney through voting for him. And that for me says - they don't want their daughter to fall in love and get married. It bothers me and it is hard for me to see beyond that. But...even though I don't understand it.....I don't stop loving my parent's.  I don't agree with them, but I don't disown them. What I can do is look at them and know we are all different. It is their choice - even if I don't get it  I  don't continue to harp on them, I don't  continue to argue - but look towards them with compassion and hope and pray they will see how supporting those against equality for everyone hurts so many amazing people in the world including my sister.

Words and actions can sometimes hurt people so deeply - we can't understand or see how it affects them.  Someone called me a murderer because I had an abortion - someone who is a friend. It was really hard for me to let the disagreement about it go and just continue the friendship, but I finally let it go and hope one day the compassion that this person shows towards so many others will shown towards me and know what that word does to me.

There are so many words and actions that to me speak so clearly for us and sometimes we don't realize at all what it means to others.  I am trying really hard to think before I speak and act - are my words kind? true and necessary? do my actions hurt people I care about? will this be kind towards them? help them?  So many things to consider, but helps me in the long run too feel better.

We all say and do things that can cut to the core of us, but hopefully we can see a broader picture of compassion and love.  Yeah I am a tree-hugging bleeding heart liberal if can't tell by these last paragraphs. Peace to everyone!

30 Days of Kink - Day 12

Day 12: Tell us about a humorous BDSM/kink experience you’ve had.  If you haven’t had one, talk about aspects of kink/BDSM you find funny.

I am not sure I really had humorous BDSM/kink experiences, but I have humorous sex experiences....

* In my sexual history I have....

fallen off the bed during sex....

broke the bed during sex...

broke the futon during sex...

broke a table I was bent over...

broke a chair we were having sex in....


* My ex-husband and I were having sex before we married. We lived in a big apartment complex...the window was open. I forgot and after I ended my long screaming orgasm....we heard clapping. He peeked out the window the building was an L shape and several neighbors on their balconies were clapping and cheering. I went out and took a bow (with a robe on). He was totally embarrassed, but I was like so what...we know they all have sex and so do we….it is normal…so it was not a big deal to me but was a big deal to him.


* In another relationship we were poly - our household had 2 males and 4 females at one point. Anyway, one male and I were doing SM play and having sex...it was a long session that ended with sex. Anyway, during it our air conditioner went out. One of the females called maintenance - and did not tell us. They came in and took a look, but said they would come back later. She told us later that he for sure heard me moaning because she could. So he comes back later when we were up - and out - the maintenance guys said "nice to SEE you." -- And had this silly grin on his face...like he was saying nice to SEE you instead of just HEAR you! I wanted to die and hide, but I just kind of nodded and walked away.


* In the same relationship, we had a big plastic tub in the Master bedroom...it had all our SM toys...rope, floggers, sex toys (vibes, butt plugs), nipple clamps, clothes pins, gags, collars, leashes, chain and... tons of other toys. We had someone over and played the night before. I had not gotten a chance to get in there and clean up yet. So there was chains and cuffs attached to the bed, a butt plug and vibrator (that had been cleaned sitting on the night stand), rope in a pile next to the bed, a gag and blindfold hanging off the headboard, locks and more chain lying in a pile next to the bed, floggers and clamps hanging out of the plastic tub. 

The man I was involved with - was hooked up to a breathing machine at night for sleep apnea - but they needed to test blood oxygen levels to see if they had it set up right so needed to bring in another machine. Well he forgot to tell me they were coming by that morning. So when the guy knocked at the door I was a little surprised. He said he needed to go into the bedroom to hook it up. I said, “umm well I need to go clean up” and told him I would be right back. He said, “oh no don't bother I have seen I am sure much worse”...and followed me into the bedroom. I saw him look around and then he cleared his throat and said – “so isn't all this rain terrible?” and proceeded to carry on a "normal" conversation. We talked about restaurants and food. 

After he got it hooked up -- I had to fill out some forms -- so we did that in the living room. He said to me “you seem really cool.” I was still I think in a constant state of red from blushing from him being around all our toys. I said, “thanks.” He said, “you are very open minded.” I nodded and said, “umm yes.” And that is all the further he took it, but I could see he wanted to ask more. He just didn't know how to open it up to talk more.  And I just left it alone.


* Another time, same relationship, I was having a migraine and so laying under a bunch of blankets on the bed with head covered. I did not hear anyone knocking at the door. Well maintenance would knock, but if there was no answer they just let themselves in. Well they did -- they did not "notice" someone on the bed. Oh by the way I was naked - so I just lay there really still when I realized they had come in. They were changing out filters in the furnace (which was in the room where I was lying down) and changing out fire alarm batteries. So, I lay there just so still. On my computer that was in the same room - I had a screen saver with all sorts of bondage and SM porn -It was one of those slideshow type deals going through all the porn. So the guy gets done changing filter, turns around and sees it. He said, “wow.” Then he called to the other guy who was changing out batteries in the fire alarms down the hall into the room with him to see the screen saver. They stood their watching it and commenting on all the women and what was being done. Then they noticed the nipple clamps on the desk, the butt plug, vibe, and rope in a basket on shelving unit next to the desk....and commented on that. They were talking about how the people living here must really be kinky. Then they wondered if any of the photos were of the people living in this apartment. Commenting on how the carpet kind of looked like carpet in the apartment. Then all of sudden -- I heard a whisper. See I think one of them realized I was in the bed…so they left quickly.

So those are some my humorous sex moments besides just the laughing Master and I sometimes get because we are so damn happy during or after sex/bdsm play. 

previous answered questions

Tools to help Depression

There is a poll on EdenFantasys.com Forums about Antidepressants and Libido. I have suffered from depression and anxiety all my life. Right now I am suffering with depression because of my chronic pain.

I am not currently on any antidepressants, but in the past I have been.  Prozac and Wellbutrin XL.  Prozac made me feel just numb - all my emotions felt numb and empty. As a result of not feeling...I really didn't care about sex either.  Wellbutrin did really well for me at first. The longer I was on it though the more I felt it numbed my feelings or didn't help me even my feelings out as fast as it did in the beginning.  But the one thing it didn't do it is effect my libido. I still was interested in sex and wanted sex the same.

I told my doctors right away when I was seeking pharma type help that I wanted a drug that wouldn't numb my feelings or decrease my libido. It is important to talk to your doctor, if these things happen and not to stop taking the drug even if you don't feel it is working because they do need special instruction usually and can cause horrible side effects if you just stop cold turkey taking them.  So please talk to your doctor if you want to stop taking them or feel you need to change meds. 

Even though I am in a depression cycle, I still want sex and enjoy sex.  It helps bring my mood up. But I know unfortunately that isn't the case for everyone.  I know that not everyone feels better having sex and I know not everyone feels sexual during depression.  So know yourself and find a set of tools to help you cope and get your sexual self back on track as well as your emotional/mental. 

Depression can make it so hard to do anything. Action is the key to getting past depression.  But just getting out of bed can be a challenge so sometimes I have to just make a pact with myself to do one thing. Starting small and focusing on one goal at a time.  Sharing a list of things that help me cope and move past my depression.  

Here are a few tips to help cope during depression:

1. Support - FIRST and foremost ...get help....reach out to friends, family and even get professional help especially if it has been going on long term.  Not only ask them for support but reach out to them to let them know you are thinking of them - caring about others helps not focus on the negative swirling around in my head.  Don't isolate yourself  - so make and create friendships even through online forums as well as in person. Being social and caring about others helps lift the mood so reach out to friends and family through email or phone, write a letter or card, make a gift, meet up for lunch. Having sex with your partner, maybe trying out a new sex toy - I remember I got my Hitachi MagicWand during a depression cycle and it was so much fun exploring/playing with it with Master. Touching can create a form of intimacy that helps feel connected to someone. Connection and intimacy help cope with depression.  Engage in SM - being spanked or flogged always releases endorphin that help my pain and my mood, but again know yourself - because I know it can at times do the opposite too for some. 

2. Nurture - Nurture and pamper yourself.  Enjoy a cup of tea, read a good book, take a long hot bath or shower, sit in the sun,  watch clouds go by, meditate, buy yourself some flowers, daydream, get a massage using an aromatherapy massage oil  because smell can uplift mood just as much as touch, masturbate, or give yourself a facial or pedicure

3. Play - Have some fun and play with abandon.  Color in a coloring book, play with playdough, sing/listen to music,  go swing on a swingset, play in a sandbox, play with a pet, blow bubbles, or read a childeren's book

4. Create & Engage the Brain - Expressing yourself through creativity and engaging your brain helps in recovering from depression. So draw, paint, do a craft, create a new recipe, visit a museum, go to a play or musical, doodle, do a crossword puzzle, learn a new skill or interest, journal, knit/crochet, sew, garden, organize something - a filing cabinet, a drawer, a closet, plan something - a party, your garden, a cleaning list, a menu,

5. Move - Moving helps elevate mood, but don't get overwhelmed by scheduling or doing too much. Just even take one thing and do it to help move forward.  Take a walk, mow the lawn, do a household chore, workout with an exercise video or at the gym, do yoga,  have sex - try a new position or play with some sex toys to not only get moving but engage your brain by exploring new areas, rearrange a room, cook a new dish or bake something for someone, take a bike ride, take a drive, go explore a new area, swim or take part in a sport, walk the mall, or weed the garden

Find what works for you - and make a list of tools to help cope with your depression. 

Moments of Beautiful Fall Colors

The lack of posts in September were because we were gone out of town a little over 2 weeks.  Plus a week of getting ready and then we came home it was straight into work.

I really like road trips with Master. Although we didn't get a lot of alone time outside of the car - we at least had that time.  When we get in a car, we talk and talk. At home sometimes Master is too busy to have some deep, intense conversations, but in the car on a long road trip allows for him to just get away from business and let his mind go free....so we have these amazing conversations. We also took lots of back roads and saw so many beautiful places with amazing fall colors even that early. It was really nice.

We had a really good trip though because we were able to see family and friends. After business and such we traveled on to see my sister and her family....seeing especially my niece. She is going to be 2 soon and is acting like she is 2. She threw temper tantrums as well as being sweet and adorable.  My parents came down from their home to see us too. That was nice, but also kind of tense as my Dad's politics is getting on my nerves.  He posts political stuff on FB that make my blood boil and I usually try to counter what my Dad posts. As I don't usually say anything to him directly about politics as he is my Dad, but I also don't want the stuff he posts to be hanging out there so I post usually the counter of it.  So anyway....with my parents coming down to see us...I had to remind Master and myself that we couldn't talk politics. It was a little tense with my Dad, but we still had a nice time with everyone. And I got a lot of quality time with my niece.

I outed myself on the poly and teacup to my sister. I knew I had told her about having multiple partners when I was with Kam, but with Master she I know assumed we were monogamous  She asked some good questions - she first asked if were like Sister Wives.  I laughed and said no, but I am sure now people think of poly as that.  But really it went well.  She was fine with it and as always I think she will just chalk it up to - "it is my sister and expected that she lives an unconventional life." Because my family kind of views me as a free spirit.

After seeing my family, we had more work stuff to do.  It was really nice though to see the people we were working with as we hadn't seen them in quite a long time. I also got a different view of one of them that I didn't really understand until staying with there. We had a great hostess and I also saw the pain she does through still because of the event we all went through.  I really gained some respect and caring for her on a different level. I was thankful to have been able to help them.

From there we met up with teacup and it was great to be able to see her.  She gave me a coloring book and crayons! I always love to color! It was such a sweet gift - that I am so thankful to have someone in my life who remembers those kind of things about me.  Thank you teacup for the Princess coloring book and crayons!

So by the time we got to see teacup on our trip - we had almost been gone 2 weeks so I was pretty exhausted from having to be on around my family and friends. Plus I got my period (the 2nd that month) that was hitting me really hard.  So I wasn't in a great mood even though I was thrilled to see teacup. I had been wishing I could give her and Master more quality alone time as we all shared a hotel room so not like I had a place really to go when I was feeling so miserable because of my period.  But we made do and I got to see her and Master play and that is always fun to see! Yay me for getting to be a voyouer!

It is always hard to leave each other, but we look forward to November when she will be here for Thanksgiving! I can't wait to have her here for such a special holiday.

On our way home from our trip Master and I stayed at an amazing hotel in smaller town in Nebraska. Out of all the places we stayed it was the most beautiful and roomy...just packed with lush amenities.  We were both wishing we weren't so tired and staying one more night so we could have really enjoyed it.  It was really gorgeous room with a really good price too for such a plushy room.

What else is going on....

I have lost 20 pounds. Unfortunately my reasons for losing that weight is mostly due to pain making me not very hungry.  I am still struggling with my sciatica, but I have an appointment at the end of the month that I really am crossing my fingers will show us the reason I have been having problems....which is one leg is longer then the other.  But if that is the reason then there are solutions I think that we can work with to help get me back on track and feeling better.

Another good thing....I have been having nightmares 4 to 6  nights a week and my therapist found a drug to help block them. I have taken it only 2 nights, but I haven't had any so far and look forward to see it continue to work as sleep has been amazing for my mood/depression.

We have been really busy...it feels like we are really running around quite a lot and we are...as things are busy. Busy is good. But we are very tired and so that means I have been going to bed much much earlier then I ever have and trying to get more sleep. The last 2 nights, I have for sure and very thankful.

Overall I hope to be able to get back into the blogging swing of things.....just trying to catch up and breath a little first.

You are the Only One

You know something I can't stand.....when people try to tell you what is best for you even when they are going by just some posts on the internet.  They read your blog or posts on FetLife and decide they know you better then you do yourself.  Even my close friends usually don't tell me what is best for me. They just remind me that I am the one with the answers for myself.  So not sure why people who are strangers from the internet feel they know someone completely just from reading a blog online...why they feel they know them better then that person knows themselves.

Here is an example I keep coming across on the blog-o-sphere....

"You shouldn't be pursuing poly." Sometimes it is just that or sometimes they offer up more...a because - such as if the persons issues/struggles that then they shouldn't be poly.  

I have in the almost 12 years of blogging and longer being in the community heard this for everything under the sun...

"You shouldn't be with him because if you are struggling it must not be meant to be."

"You shouldn't be with him because he is abusing you." 

"You shouldn't do poly because are jealous."

"You shouldn't do poly because you have doubts of his love for you."'
"You should break up with him if he isn't doing what you want." 

"You shouldn't do bdsm because you like pain too much so will put yourself in danger."

So on and so forth....of "You should or shouldn't..."

But what I say is - First if you are someone that offers up that "You should(n't)....",  please stop and realize "You should(n't)...." really doesn't help.  If you are someone that gets "You should(n't)..." from people just offering up their advice, PLEASE don't let someone on the internet who doesn't know you tell you what you should and shouldn't do or what is best for you. YOU are the only one that can know if poly is the right path for you. You are the only one that can tell if a relationship is abusive. You are the only one that can tell if person you are with is right for you.  

We all struggle and have doubts at times. It is looking at those and deciding why and how to work through it is the right thing to do.  And YOU are the only one who can do that....not any stranger or semi-stranger who comments on your blog.

30 Days of Kink - Day 11

Day 11: What are your views on the ethics of kink?

My personal views are if those in the relationship are all consenting then that is all that matters.  An ex always had problems hurting me because he just felt it wasn't right, now that was his issue or line, but for me I kept saying if both consent to it then what is wrong with it. I liked it and he did too, but the views he grew up with that it is wrong to hit a woman and that there is something wrong with being kinky - those thoughts always interfered.

I am not a big fan SSC because who decides what is safe, sane or consensual. I like RACK, but again for me all the little slogans and mottos seems like we are trying to convince someone what we do is okay. If I am okay with it then, I really don't feel I need to justify that to anyone else.

But....here are some things I have said in previous posts and essays that kind of go with this topic...

BDSM Black List - this is a post I did not too long ago about the suggestion of a BDSM Black List which I am AGAINST - click on the link to read more of my thoughts on it. I think there are bad people out there we just need to be responsible for ourselves and use our head when going into all situations even  those that are fun and kinky.

BDSM for Beginners  - listing this because I think it gives some things to help those new to BDSM find your own lines before jumping into things and then realizing that you had lines you didn't realize

Slut - I am including this because some people do think that I am slut - had sex with too many people, too kinky, think my kinks are too weird, or whatever, but what matters is how I feel about what I do and how I live so falls under ethics to me because the only people you need to worry about is yourself and the people in your relationship. If you all enjoy it then that is all that matters.

RACK vs SSC - essay I wrote a long time ago just telling the difference between the two.


previous answered questions

In Motion

* We have been traveling quite a bit - just day trips or a few days here and there. But soon we will be taking a longer trip. We will be going to see my sister and her family. After a few days with her, we will go do a work project and then after the work is done, we will spend the weekend with teacup as we will be in her neck of the woods. It is really great since we haven't seen her since June and it has been hard on all of us. But we see her again in November. She will be spending Thanksgiving with us.

* I have my follow up for my doctor coming up this week - for the sciatica. He did a treatment of cortisone that lasted 10 hours. Then he prescribed a pill that was for 5 days, but my doctor and my pharmacist were really at odds with each other on the drug. After taking this drug and seeing how I reacted, he will know better how to treat me. The drug worked great except for upsetting my stomach which was the pharmacist concern. But the positive of the drug it brought my pain down to zero on a pain scale and the most it would go up to is a 3. It still even almost a week after it has been done hasn't brought my pain back up to where it was before (a 7 was pretty much my daily consistent pain level).

* Yesterday we did yard work. Both of us are not fans of it.  I have bad allergies that really just cause me to be miserable because I would love to have some garden but just can't keep up with it. But this was icky yard work - pulling weeds. We have rock landscaping, but weeds come up in them and with my sciatica being as bad as it has been there has been no way I could do it before now.  It was hard to do it yesterday. Master ended up doing the backbreaking stuff. We had put it off until we couldn't any longer.

* The first of February is our anniversary, but the 1st of every month for the last 9 years Master says Happy Anniversary.  We laughed that our morning was spent doing yard work - fun fun! But really I am thankful that we can have of course lots of fun together, but also make things we don't like doing go a little faster and better by doing them together.  We did of course have some afternoon fun.

* We have all sorts of toys....whip, floggers, cane, evil stick, baton, leather strap and so on but the things that seem to always make marks on me are just things around the house.  When teacup was here last time, Master was looking for a tie in a bondage book. It wasn't giving him the info he wanted to he decided to instead use the book to beat me.  I ended up with some wicked looking bruises. Yesterday afternoon Master used a rubber band and I have nasty bruises on my breasts.

* We were out of town recently and when we arrived back in town we decided to get some errands out of the way before heading home. One thing was to go to the library as I figured I had some book waiting for me. I came with a HUGE pile.  Master shouted from the car on my way out of the library carrying the huge pile of books that I didn't need to check whole library out. The lady in front of me got a chuckle. But the sad thing is that huge pile of books I only have like 3 left to read as I am going through a book a day still.  I got through the Anita Blake series. All caught up again...I had been 3 books behind, but reread the entire series. I admit I got to one book there at the end - I think it was Hit List and thought of Kam. He used to read them out loud to me. I thought of him through the earlier books but Hit List for some reason really reminded me of him.

* Here is a youtube clip from the movie The Ugly Truth. I haven't seen the movie, but this clip is amusing. To me at least. Might be my lack of sleep. Or just thinking Gerard Bulter is hot.

Corrupted

“When she’s abandoned her moral center and teachings when she’s cast aside her facade of propriety and lady-like demeanor…when I have so corrupted this fragile thing and brought out a writhing, mewling, bucking, wanton whore for my enjoyment and pleasure…..enticing from within this feral lioness…growling and scratching and biting…taking everything I dish out to her…..at that moment she is never more beautiful to me. ” ~ De Sade

Isn't that just lovely? 

I love those moments where it is just the pleasure/pain and that is all that matters so I would do anything he says because I don't want it to stop. Not very many dominants or lovers have ever gotten me the total abandonment of thought of anything other than just keep doing what they tell you.  But I have had a few people and there are shining moments in my head that I replay a lot. Master is of course one of those people. Don, my ex-husband, and MS are the others. 

I have had a lot of great sex that comes close to there, but there is always this little pieces of myself I hang on to with some people. I can't totally let go. Also most of people I have been with won't push me there. To get to that level of surrender - abandonment as he calls it - I need that push. I need the force. The force gets me there and turns me on.  Letting go like that - becoming a wanton whore gives me something I need.

I am thankful for those moments when I have been pushed there. As I said they shine for me and I love replaying them over and over again. 

30 Days of Kink - Day 10

Day 10: What are your hard limits?

In my past before Master, I had play partners and did some BDSM with clients when I was escort. When I had play partners, I had the some of the usual hard limits for people - kids, permanent harm such as dismembering, vomit,  murder (theft and other illegal activities), and blood letting.   

As an escort I had many hard limits. It just depended on the client. There was several that I did SM with and they always respected my boundaries so I moved some of the soft limits to things we could explore together.  Such as I didn't allow marking - bruising when I was escort because when a client bruised me it bothered other clients.  But with a couple of my clients, they really wanted to see what it felt like to bruise me, hit me hard enough to mark me, so I allowed it with just 2 clients.  Watersports were something else some of them wanted to do so with those 2 clients, I would do that with because they respected my boundaries and were honestly a lot of fun to be with so I liked exploring with them. 

With Master, his limits are mine.  He doesn't do vomit, kids, doesn't do scat, doesn't share me and doesn't do anything really that go against his morals. I am sure there are some other things I am not thinking about at the moment.


previous answered questions

What If I got Pregnant?

When I was married, we were "suppose" to have kids.  That is what it felt like. But really I felt I wouldn't be a good mother. I have too many issues to take care of a child's well being.  I didn't want to damage him/her.  My husband although he was fantastic with kids...the idea of being a father scared him. But he felt we were "suppose" to have kids too.  I was married to him for 7 years and we didn't get pregnant and didn't use birth control.  When my ex-husband and I were trying to get pregnant and not having much luck - I went to the doctor after several examinations and tests she felt that I would have difficulties conceiving.

Since my ex-husband, I have had unprotected sex with long-term partners and didn't get pregnant.  Which I admit is risky.  But it is highly unlikely that I will get pregnant. Yes of course there is a very slim chance but again highly unlikely.

There of course have been times in my life, I wished for kids. But over all - mostly I don't feel they fit into my life as I just wouldn't be a good mother with the issues I already deal with daily in my life.  I wouldn't ever want to subject a child to that.

Master doesn't want kids either. He likes his life as it is and kids would disrupt that.  He likes having freedoms that he wouldn't have with kids.  He made a choice to not get involved with women who have kids or want kids because he doesn't.  It works that we are both compatible in not wanting kids.

But....let me pose this...what if....I got pregnant or teacup got pregnant?  Teacup and I are over 40 so likelihood of it is low.  The answer...Master has said that we would discuss it. He isn't going to do a blanket - get an abortion even though he doesn't want kids. We have discussed the what-ifs and he and I have similar views of what would happen, but we also believe once something is a reality - feelings and thoughts about it can change.  So discussion about - getting to the heart of it for us would happen if it were to ever happen.  I know that this issue teacup and I would have very different views of outcome and that is okay because we are 2 very different people.  But again Master would in this situation order us - this would be a family discussion and decision.

Just to note I do believe Master has the right to tell me what to do in this situation.  If he wanted me to have an abortion, have the baby and raise or give up for adoption, he could tell me what to do and I would obey.  He just happens to believe this is an area where there needs to be a lot of discussion and input to find the solution that works long term for everyone.

do you know what your sex toy is made out of?

I love sex toys so I like to make sure that I take proper care of them.  So knowing how to clean them and what lubes to use is important to me.  I don't want to spend lots of money and then ruin something because I was jumping into play without knowing some handling will harm the material used on/in the toy. 

Such as did you know that you can boil, soak in bleach and water solution, wash with hot water and soap, or place the Njoy Pure Plug in the dishwasher? It is made of Stainless Steel and so allows for a wide range of cleaning options.  

Did you know that you can't use silicone lube on silicone toys? It will break the silicone down. Water lube is best for silicone toys. 

Did you know that know that you can't sanitize jelly toys such as a rabbit vibrator? Because of that reason you should only use it on yourself and not share unless you use a condom on it.  Jelly toys can only be cleaned by warm water or a toy cleaner made for jelly toys. 

I am allergic to latex and I also just like knowing what I am using in/on my body so knowing what materials the toys are made out of is important to me. One of many reasons I love shopping at EdenFantasys.com is because their product pages give you so much information.  Not only does EdenFantasys.com have reviews, customer ratings, color availability, and size/dimensions, but they show you what material it is made out, the texture and also have a little safety material meter too.

Screen Capture of EdenFantasys.com Njoy Pure Plug

Not do they have a great amount of information on the product pages, but they also have this Guide to Materials right on their website so you can look up any material and find the safety meter, how to clean it and what lubes to use with it. I know I learned a lot by reading it and know I will play with my toys more safely and get a longer life out of them. 

Disclosure: EdenFantasys provided me with a gift card in exchange for this post. All opinions are my own, and were not influenced in any way.

30 Days of Kink - Day 9

Day 9: Post a kink related song or music video you enjoy.

I like Pretty When you Cry by VAST.  This is the first time I think I have ever watched the video though. 

I think this video is yummy....I have posted it before...it is Hurricane by 30 Seconds to Mars

I like the lyrics to Corrupt by Depeche Mode too... here is the video (just still images) and lyrics below....



I could corrupt you in a heartbeat
You think you're so special
Think you're so sweet

What are you trying
Don't even tempt me
Soon you'll be crying
And wishing you dreamt me

You'd be calling out my name
When you need someone to blame

I could corrupt you
It would be easy
Watching you suffer
Girl, it would please me

But I wouldn't touch you
With my little finger
I know it would crush you
My memory would linger

You'd be crying out in pain
Begging me to play my games

I could corrupt you
It would be ugly
They could sedate you
But what good would drugs be

But I wouldn't touch you
Put my hands on your hips
It would be too much to
Place my lips on your lips

You'd be calling out my name
Begging me to play my games


previous answered questions

Friendship, Advice and Whatnot

I started this post a long time ago, but never got around to finishing. A chat with a good friend of mine and her blog post about the subject made me get back to it.

A while back, I received an email that made me know I had to stop answering some of my emails.  It wasn't that I get too many of them or that it made me angry or anything. It just becomes that I am not really helping anyone - really. Because I give the same advice over and over and over again.  Over the years, I feel I have just gotten more blunt about it though. I  am not what I say mean (at least I hope I don't come across that way) - but I am sure at times it can come across as harsh.

Because for me...I am not sure why someone would write me - a complete stranger on how to deal with their relationship?  I don't know them. I don't know their Master so how can I give good advice. So often my advice is - talk to your Master, talk to someone who knows you - a good friend and if you are really wanting to be a slave suck it up and obey.

I am happy to share my knowledge and experiences through my blog, website and often through email to people. I am glad you can relate and you even desire similar things, but know you won't have the exact relationship I do because we are all different so it is hard for me to give you advice. We are all different - yes unique little snowflakes and that include dominants. How Master wants things done or how I need to communicate with him is very different then how previous dominant want things.  So I can't tell you how to do x, y or z because I don't know your Master or you.  Because again how I handle things and learn things is very different then how you might.

Even the relationship Master and teacup have is different from the relationship I have with Master. I mean we are both his property and slaves, but how he does things with her is different then  how he does them with me because we are different people.

The reason I throw in the friend part into my advice is because I think a friend who knows you will have much better advice than I - a complete stranger. I know that my friend who I referenced at the beginning of the post, will tell me to suck it up if she feels I am being too whiny, she will also let me whine and vent about things she knows are really non-issues when I sort through my feelings and venting helps me sort through those feelings, and she will never ever tell me to get out of my relationship even if I am feeling very frustrated, and struggling on a big life issue that seems like it is going against my very core beliefs. She knows that I am owned and she won't try to undermine Master's authority over me.

I am thankful for her and the few good friends I have that understand my relationship and accept it. I have even several friends that are in the vanilla side of things who accept my relationship and help me through things when I am struggling.

I know often when I get emails from people - some are hoping to befriends. I am up for interacting and creating friendships, but I will say I am lousy at it. Just horrible. I have a hard time keeping up with people because my time is Master's. So emailing the friends I have already and my family are infrequent now - add people to list of friends and well they are even more infrequent and that can bother some people reaching out.

I know that I am thankful for all the people that do write, but know I just can't possibly write everyone back.  Remember this is almost always my advice - talk to your dominant, talk to a good friend, and obey even when it is hard.

Orgasm Denial

Orgasm denial or just controlling orgasms is one of those things I don't feel works very well for the majority of women. Oddly I feel from things I have read, it seems to work better for males than females, but that might be a myth or not accurate.

Every dominant I have ever been with has probably tried some orgasm denial or controlling orgasms with me at some point, but I am one of those women where the end result isn't usually what the dominant is wanting.  It is more of a use it or lose it kind of thing for me. So denying orgasms for me, just turns off my sexuality.  Controlling when I masturbate or am given pleasure where I am told I can't have those things - again usually just turns me off sexually.

I can think of one time orgasm denial worked with me and that is with my ex-husband. He had sex with me and touched me, but wouldn't let me orgasm or touch myself. He really kept my sexual hunger right there on the edge because he was being sexual with me every day - often multiple times a day -  just not letting me orgasm. It was about 5 days and then he let me orgasm. He was working up to a special occasion by making me wait for it - I think it was the anniversary of our first date. It did create a hunger in me that when I did orgasm it was very intense. But again he kept me sexually on edge.

In my history, when I have had dominant do orgasm denial it is more along the lines of - being told I can't orgasm for a set amount of days/weeks. There isn't usually a lot of sexual interaction so that sexual need isn't there. It fades and just makes it very hard for me to orgasm then when that stretch is done. It doesn't create anticipation, build my sexual frustration or make me crave sex or his cock more - it makes it fade.

The same thing happens when I am told I can only orgasm when I ask or am told.  For me....it was hard because I am sexually submissive and if my dominant tells me to masturbate one night and then doesn't the next - well in my mind he doesn't want me too and I want to please so I don't ask to masturbate unless really I feel like it is going to fade soon if I don't. But even then if it is last moment for me - it is harder for me and not as pleasurable. So...again...if I am not masturbating or having sexual interaction with someone then it will fade.

For me, being told I can't orgasm or having a set amount of time where I can't orgasm or have sexual pleasure, will make my sexual appetite shut down and then make it harder to achieve orgasm, to get wet or turned on.

Controlling a submissive's orgasms or sexual pleasure, it often seems like being told no is the idea of control. But being allowed is a form of control too. As a dominant you are allowed to say yes or no. I am allowed to orgasm during sex when I can.  I am allowed to masturbate whenever I want. Even if it isn't Master's hand, implements he wields, or his voice creating the orgasm, he is the one that allows me sexual pleasure and energy.  If Master didn't want me too, he could say no, but he said yes. He had the right to tell me yes or no.  I just couldn't decide on my own - he decided because he has control of me.

Ultimately Master has found that he feeds off my sexual energy. To keep me sexual - helps his sexual energy. So allowing me to have sexual pleasure - gives him the end results he desires. And I am very very thankful he  wants me to be sexual.

30 Days of Kink - Day 8

Day 8: Post a kinky image you find erotic.

Well I am not going to post a photo, but I will link to some that I find erotic - that are over on my tumblr.  I can't just point to one either as too many choices! I find a wide range of photos erotic. I don't need every photo to include kinky things...I like the female body and so many shots I post aren't of bdsm but include elements that I enjoy. I can enjoy something without it turning me on too. It just is a nice feeling looking at them.  If I want to be turned on, I do need to look at BDSM photos.  It has to be bondage, breath play, photos that imply humiliation, force, captivity and pain turn me on.  So if you want to see the wide range of photos - go to my tumblr (if you click on the archive which is on the sidebar of the tumblr - it will give you thumbnail view of photos month by month.)  

So for here for this post.....just pulling out a few select ones.... no order probably not even many of my favorites just photos that turn me on...

Black and White Bondage photo - I just like the way the bondage look. I love rope bondage and every Friday on Tumblr I post just rope bondage photos. Recently I as introduced to a Bondage Photographer that I really am enjoying....http://lightworship.tumblr.com/

Piggie - She just looks so used with that pig snout on and cum in her hair.

Wax - His hand around her throat, whispering to her, tied up - no place to go while he hold her and drips wax on her - yums

Under water - I love this...well one it is an insex photo and they always turn me on.  Next she is tied up, under water, completely submerged with a tube for breathing, and a grate on top of her like a cage.  So many good things going on. Here are a couple others that are good under water photos - tied up struggling and held under and fucked and held down in bathtub struggling

Worship - I love the look on her face - I get that way sometimes about Master's cock too - where I am inhale and know how truly happy I am to able to be there and about to suck his cock.  Very happy place to be. Camille Crismson of The Art of Blowjob posts good blow job photos

Bodywriting - Master has wrote on me before and it turned me on a lot

Blackeye - I love the thought of having a black eye so looking at that lovely black eye makes me think of it being done to me. I love bruises and marks from Master, but having such an overt one really turns me on.  Another good black eye photo.

Choked - Breath play is one of my favorites so any photo that shows forms of it such as being chocked always get me going.

Over All - gag, bondage, insertable, rope around neck possibly strangling, suction on nipples - just pain and over all deliciousness

Encased - love the overall confinement of this - cut off.  Catsuit, belt straps to restrain, inflatable gag, hood, corset binding, posture collar - all of it makes it very hard to move. Would be very helpless and cut off from the outside world. It turns me on and scares the shit out of me at the same time.

previous answered questions