Alive but Tired

I am alive...I am just tired. Probably need tonight still to gather energy and see what my week looks like.

The Bazaar went pretty okay. I don't think it did as well as it could have but it still did better then I thought.

I had a very good time. Lots of possibilities before me right and and is exciting. I am not going to write much more about it or things I could or should.

Just going to kind of ramble…

Right now what I crave is emotional things. And those things can come in different ways but it needs to be with someone that I care about. I care about in an intimate way. Part of what I need is just intimacy.

Okay stopping topic at hand for a moment.... I feel right now...I have to write and qualify everything because one person will read this and think one thing and another person will think and read another.

What I seek "ultimately" is someone that I can be myself with - all the good, all the bad. I want someone who will accept me...emotional elements of me, quirky, fun and crazy elements, vanilla homebody elements, stubborn and opinionated elements, artistic and creative elements, D/s and BDSM elements in me. Someone that knows how to handle those elements in me that are not always fun to deal with but the things that are...I know will outweigh the not so good elements. I want a long term live in relationship. I still want Nick and hope that he and I do meet and "see." By see I mean see how we click...see if it works...see if we are compatible in person.

So, starting back in and going to write just what I am thinking and feeling "right now" and hopefully no one will read into this more then they should.

Things happen for a reason. And right now I was needing things and the people that seem to coming into my life could possibly give me those things...the emotional things.

Poly....I do like multiple relationships because I like relationships and have a big heart. I am bisexual so I like having relationships with both sexes. And then I am the type of person that if my needs are not being met with the person I am with I want to be able to get those needs met in other people. But because I care about the person I am with....I want to continue the relationship with that person still. I have not met Nick and right now I am having lots of conflicting emotions about him....which I will write about in a moment. There are needs I have - not meaning sex even though right now that is not being fulfilled either - but I have emotional and mental, D/s and some bdsm needs that are not being met and they have not for quite a while so there are on that edge. I feel all prickly with need. Then people start appearing in my life that I feel good, safe and comfortable with and so I have this opportunity to get some of those needs met. Yet, at the same time I think Nick would be happy with me "waiting for him." Even though he tells me do what I need to get my needs met.

I am going to go into my next subject...Nick. Right now I am feeling very insecure...with him...about him....and that is why I have pulled away. Last week I was having trust issue and he has not done anything to make me doubt I can trust him. So, why am/was I feeling that way? I was talking Mistress DM the other night and it dawned on me I might be having those feelings of distrust this past week because of the simple fact it was the anniversary of Todd & my break up...and even though I felt fine about it last week those things still affect me internally. And the distrust with Todd that last week was strong and so am I projecting those feelings on Nick? I think so.

I do know that some needs Nick has been fulfilling for me since we first started to get to know each other…are not getting fulfilled and maybe that is playing a little bit of a part but this is also normal for Nick. We will go several weeks where he is very much satisfying those need the best he can from far away and we seem to be so on it with each other. And then we will go 2 weeks and not be. But I don't like that it is not consistent.

Changing subject again....this afternoon....I had a serious talk with someone and that is forcing me to make some decisions in my life. Decisions that might force me to move. So, not thrilled about that.

LOL

I just read horoscope for today after I have written all the above.......

LIBRA (Sep 23–Oct 22): You may want to keep your feelings to yourself. In fact, you may not even be able to figure out what the heck you are feeling. Things are running around in your subconscious mind now and they need a couple of days to gel. Only then will you be able to express them with clarity.

So, I guess that is my clue to stop....for now. :)

Happy Father's day!