All Comes in Time

Music: Mix CD

Topics: busy week, a place to go, background info, a rant on being in control as a submissive


I am just not home enough this week to write about all the things I want to write about, to work on the websites I need to work on, to change things on my blogger layout and so on and so forth! Not complaining mind you…but I think I am going to have to slow down some.

This week I was/am busy with friends, dates, and parties every night. Monday dinner with a friend just to talk and then also to negotiate playing together. Tuesday lunch with Katrina. : ) A new name to my journal. She is Moni’s submissive and such a sweetie! Love her to pieces but I should have known I would…Moni has good taste : ) Wednesday I was suppose to have what I am going to call a snuggle date, but I ended up having a friend need me so I had to cancel my snuggle date. Thursday I had a dinner date. And Friday I had breakfast with Moni and then dinner with Moni, Katrina and my Monday dinner date. And tonight is a party…I just got done making brownies for and lemon bars. Sunday meeting some friends for cheesecake. And then we start all over kids!

I just typed this whole big…journal entry and then Microsoft had a blip in it…and I lost everything. I am not a happy camper right now.

I was talking to Linda one morning and the conversation made me remember when I was first here and owned. I did not work. I just took care of my Owner and his home (and most of the people in the poly family). I moved to Ohio not knowing a soul here. Only people I knew for the first 6 months were my poly family. I really did not have established friends that I could count on in major crises until about 1-½ years of being here and the main person was Di. I had other friends also but Di was the one person I “felt” I could call and say I need you and she would be there no matter what. So, when my Owner would add a new person. I was always happy for him but when I was first here - first 6 months to 1 ½, I would get a little stressed wondering if I would be replaced or asked to leave. And if that were to happen, I would have no place to go during that time period. After, Di and I got to know each other, even though it would have been hard for me to ask for help from anyone I still knew that I had options because I had Di in my life as my best friend. I got to a point in my relationship with my owner that I ended up not fearing that I would be asked to leave but being replaced I thought I could be replaced as a slave. But I knew that my Owner would want me in his life someway…even if not as a slave. So, I stopped worrying about being asked to leave.

I then asked for release…and the fear came back 10 fold…as we still lived together. I daily wondered.

I don’t write about him much here because one he hates it absolutely hates it. But sometimes I have to write because it is too big to ignore. But it is still REALLY hard to write about him here. But this is a big thing so something I need to write about.

He is a good man overall. He has done so much for me and done lots of work to better himself and understand things in his world better. And I am very proud of him. This last year has been the easiest year with him. Even though we have had some big stresses. And granted some that is because of my attitudes about my life change so it affects outlooks but not to depreciate all the work he has done. Because I am not. I am happy he has done all he has.

It will be 2 weeks tomorrow…he told me either we try again or go our separate ways. And although I have heard that before…this time I knew he was serious. Timing of course sucks big time…as I don’t have a job and been having problems finding one because number one reason I have not had a “real” job since 1997.

So, I have a major stress going on in my life.

I am scared.

When I was Germany, Moni told “Sir” that I had lots of friends and none of them would let you be on the street. And I remembered Moni saying that and I was very touched when she said that the first time. And although I don’t think I could take her up on her offer… I almost started crying at Bob Evan’s yesterday because she told me I could always stay with her and Michael. And I REALLY REALLY appreciate that I have her in my life as a friend! That she is willing to open their home and heart to me like that.

I keep sending out my messages to the universe and hope that the things I need come into my life. I am looking for things to help me achieve some things I want to achieve. Something WILL happen that I need to. I know it.

I need to do what is best for me. And despite an email I got this week…I do know what is best for me. And I do know EXACTLY what I want. I have always had lots of friends to vent to and bounce ideas off of, but I don’t have people in my life that say “I will fix this for you.” I have friends that will help…just like Moni said I could live with her. That is helping someone….not “fixing” my problem. I wish I had someone to take care of me and fix all my problems…that would be so wonderful.

Little background info…

I am the oldest of 3 girls. I was the one in charge always. In second grade, I was getting my sister up and getting her ready for kindergarten, getting myself ready, making our breakfast and then walking us to school…making sure she got to her class before I went to mine. That is 2nd grade…so I was 7 or 8. I have always been the one who took care of things. My mom worked and I would do things to make my mom’s job at home easier…not all that I could have probably. I was the one to create peace around the house also.

I then dated and ended up marrying a man that I took care of basically. He never had to worry about anything. And when he did by chance…he would go to pieces. I never could cry or have any emotions show because it stressed him. So, I kept things very bottled up and when I would cry… I learned that I would just do it when he was not home. It was something I did so that no one could see. And then it stopped all together.

I actually did not show many emotions after Morgan died so it was not too hard to turn the rest of them off.

I then had to deal with some of my past and emotions started flooding back. It is still hard for me to identify emotions…because I turned them off and so when I am feeling some things I don’t know how to explain it or indtify which emotion I am feeling. Happiness was a hard emotion for me to “name.” I remember describing how I was feeling to Di and she said I think you are happy. I said really wow this is happy? This is a good feeling .

I do not ever recall feeling that emotions before that time in my life…that was hmm a year and ½ ago. I am 34 years old and not sure I ever experienced happiness up until 1 ½ ago that is REALLY sad.

Anyway, the point of my background info is…I have been in control of everything always. I was the one to make decisions even from a young age…I was forced to grow up and be responsible.

So in a way it seems really logical to me looking back in my life seeing why I want a Dominant and even a Daddy…seeing why I want someone else to be in control. Is that the only reason I am submissive? No and it also doesn’t mean I can’t or won’t make decisions. I will. And I want to. And I am very much a control freak LOL so not a problem on controlling things and being in charge.

And even having someone else in charge does not mean that I won’t be because serving is being in charge and making decisions. When I first moved here, my Owner mentioned in passing something about his favorite pop. One day shopping I picked some up and when he came home from work one of the first tasks I had was to get him a tall glass of ice tea, water, pop, juice or something to drink and I brought him a glass of his favorite pop. He took a drink and he looked at me and said how did you know! And I knew because I listened and watched. To me a submissive is in her Owner’s mind just as much as the Owner is in the submissives. (Just had that conversation with someone else last night…discussed how most male Dominants I seem to have a fear of the submissive getting in his or her head)

Off topic for a moment - but linked to last topic and the reason I thought of it…..It was a BIG BIG fear of Todd’s…that I would get in his mind. I understand now why he had that fear…because he knew if I did I would find out that he was an illusion. Funny Todd’s “thing” was to conquer fears - wonder why he never conquered that one…sorry not in a “nice” mood. I get sick of having to walk around things. I try not to be mean-spirited or just express feelings that I don’t mean really…just feeling at that moment because of annoyance or frustration but today I am really feeling annoyed by lots of little things so it is going to come out in unpleasant ways. The purpose of the journal is to express myself…so I am. LOL : )

So back on topic…I think a submissive is in control and makes decisions mostly because she is there to enhance and serve her Owner so we have to in order to do that job. I have lived with submissives who though that the only thing they were to do….was what the Owner told them to do so if there were dirty dishes in the sink and 4 loads of laundry they did not have to do that until he told them to do it. *rolls eyes* Ummm I want to shout DUH..again I will say it…we are here to enhance our Owner’s lives not burden them. So if there are dirty dishes do them! It just seems so obvious to me. LOL

An Owner might tell the submissive you are in charge of paying bills now. The owner might micromanage it if that is their desire. But most I know would say okay you are in charge of this now. So does that mean the submissive is not in control of that or making decisions regarding the bills? No, she/he is definitely in control…if they will get paid, when they will get paid, how they will get paid. They will make all the decisions regarding the bills. Does that make us less submissive being in CHARGE? No…it is a service to our Owner and we do it in service to our Owner.

I guess I am done with that little rant for now.

I better go finish things around here before I go out tonight. More tomorrow…

All comes at the proper time to him who knows how to wait. - Saint Vincent de Paul