Sex and the City

Music: the song Moon River done by Innocence Mission

Topics: Sex and the City, Father Figure Influence, Intimacy

Last night I was watching Sex and the City. They had 6 episodes back to back. It was fun to watch. I had seen all of them but one. As I was watching some things were interesting or funny to me so I picked up my hand-written journal and scribbled a few things down. Also while watching I ended up drawing in my journal. I hate when I do that. It is lined paper and I always end up drawing some cool stuff but it is there I my journal on LINED paper. lol Last nights turned out cool and then as I looked at it afterwards I could see it in different ways and so made notes on how to change it and draw it again. Something I rarely do is try to duplicate things I have drawn. Not sure why not. There are several sketches of Morgan - I really would like to finish up and bring it to the next level basically. . . Instead of just being a sketch.

Sex and the City - the Episode where she starts working at Vogue (for anyone that follows Sex and the City) - The main person at Vogue - ends up wanting Carrie but really stands out for me is a conversation they have in restaurant about father’s. Basically the question then comes to Carrie about how much does a father affect the men we women are with when grown up. They say women find men like their fathers and I don’t see that in my life. But after asking Kam if he felt my father influenced my choices in men - I would say yes he did. I did not think he did, as my Dad and I were not very close and it was almost like I did not have a Dad because he was gone a lot. Kam said that I look for men who will protect me, want me, give me attention and love me. . . All the things my Dad did not do. Or at least things I felt my Dad did not do. I did not feel protected, wanted or loved by my Dad and I did not feel I got any attention from my Dad. And some of those are valid rational feelings and others it is not. Anyway, I see that I do see men that will have those qualities that I did not feel my Dad had. Kam went on to say that I hold those standards though so high up that men have to meet that it is impossible for them to do so. That of course I did not agree with.

Another episode Carrie is having issues with Adian moving in and that she is not being able to be her single self - do the things she would not do around someone else. You get to a point I think that you do those things. I know being married I did. And with Kam I do because it is comfortable and he will love me no matter what. Example - I can go a couple days without shaving and that is not big deal but when I am first living with someone I shave everyday. Anyway, Carried expresses she just wants to be alone and not talk for 1 hour and Adian is like no problem. So she goes in the bedroom area closes of the curtain and lies there for a few moments and then misses him. And so gets up and peeks out the curtain and ends up going and snuggling on his lap. She had been feeling like her need for being alone was not being met - and then she was given it - so she did not need it anymore. She said something like needs - when you get them met sometimes you don’t need them anymore. I think that is true. There have been things I needed in the past and was frustrated I did not get and as soon as I was given them it like calmed me and then I realized I did not need them. One of those quirky neurotic things about me. Same thing goes when I am dieting - if I know I can’t have something I want it so much but as soon as I say okay you can have that thing - then I don’t want it as much. LOL go figure!

One episode on Kam said Charlotte is you. I went NO! Out of everyone I do not like Charlotte the most. Well, maybe Miranda the most. LOL Anyway, Kam said Charlotte was me Kansas era and that Carrie is more me Ohio era and that is pretty much true. I had the perfect little dress and house and husband (on the surface). Charlotte’s little things where like she decorates perfectly or knows the perfect gift totally me too. I just don’t do those things anymore. I can walk in a room and see how things would look better or what would look great in a room but I just don’t act on it anymore.

Another episode - one I really like is when Mr. Big is moving to California. Something I noticed but had never verbalized or maybe even understood what I was seeing just knew it looked familiar. . . Carrie becomes a little girl with Mr. Big. And Mr. Big is a Daddy figure. I really liked Mr. Big. I liked her with Adain too. Adian had protection and take care of her feelings towards her too. Which on the show her character’s father was not around. So she is probably searching for a man similar to the type of man I am looking for. I really like the song Moon River and they play it in that episode. When he leaves she misses him as Miranda is having her baby anyway he leaves her the record album for that song - with a note on it that says when you are lonely. . . And then he left and envelope that contained a plane ticket to California and it on it when I am lonely. *tears* I am a romantic sap. I thought it was very romantic.

I was looking at the day before in my hand-written journal and I wrote a few brief words about a few topics I want to talk about - one of them I talked about yesterday - collars. Another is intimacy.

I had breakfast with Moni on Thursday morning. Another one of our friends was going to join us but could not : ( maybe another time soon. Anyway after seeing Moni, I started thinking about Dominants who have affected me. And it made me think of a specific time with a Dominant. And then actually made me think of Todd. Intimacy scares me. I just thought of one more. And kind of one more. So, I am up to 4 right now. Damn. . .pattern in my life.

Intimacy with a Dominant who affects me in a way where my submission is so strong and so wanting - by either their Dominance or just because I want it so much - scares the hell out of me. And I can think of 4 distinct times where I was intimate with a Dominant and ended up being scared during and had to stop or I was scared during and continued but afterwards I broke down.

That was one of those things Todd guessed would happen before it did - not quite sure how he knew that one. I never told him of any of those times when it happened. I don’t think so at least. The first time Todd let me be sexually intimate with him. . . He told me I was not ready. And I did not understand what the heck he was talking about. I wanted him so much that I was like is he insane can’t he see how much I want him. But as soon as I started I had to stop and I got upset. It was not a question of wanting him it was a question of intimacy and I did not get that. So, I got upset that he was right I was not ready but through talking and calming me down it ended up being okay.

Another time I don’t have a problem talking. . .I was with Sir Laz and aydeen and one of the things that was being given to me was to shower with Sir Laz - to bath him. And I had not been intimate sexually with Sir and actually just knowing I was going to touch him and not be sexual was probably even more over whelming to me. So we got in the shower and I was shaking I mean my whole body was shaking. And I looked at him and then looked down started crying said I was sorry and ran out of the shower and bathroom to the room I was staying. Aydeen left me alone for a few moments and then she came in. Sir Laz was very concerned but wanted Aydeen to make sure it was not something he did so that he did not come in and trigger whatever went wrong. I really am not sure if we figured it out then or not. I can’t remember. But it was the sheer fact of intimacy. To be TOUCHING him in such a personal intimate way scared me so much that I lost it. They handled it great. I was lucky I was with them when it happened.

It is not something that I really know what to do to correct it - or how to work through it. I don’t even know why it happens. . . Why I panic. If it is just a man that I don’t “care” about it then no problem being sexual or touching them - because to me I don’t have those feelings for that person so it is not intimate to me.

Well, I need to go get ready. I have a meeting today and then a party to go to tonight. And many little things to do in between.