All over the place

Music: A mix of Vanessa Carlton, Innocence Mission, The Calling, REM, Sixpence, and Michelle Branch

Started at 10am Friday June 7th

Well, beware this post my be out there lol and all over the place…

First topic - The Dominant that I met last week. He has been very patient and he does desire the same things I want. Hear a “but”…well the “but” is me. I have something stopping me. I can’t figure it out. But because I am not jumping in with both feet with this… that means something is not right and I need to think about it more. Let me clarify, I analyze things always but there are times I just have this thing in front of me and give it a few thoughts here and there and then just do it. But this time it was different and I am sure I have not figured out completely why it is different…yet. But do have some ideas. So, anyway I was suppose to go to his place yesterday and because of a series of mishaps I could not make it. So, last night after being out with some friends (which will be my next topic), I came home to an email that I probably needed. I mean he is figuring me out very well. I know why I got “that” email because he knew it was needed for me to jump. But I did not jump. I backed up from the ledge…I have been sick since yesterday basically and it is not the flu. It is because I feel off. I have tried to figure it out but I can’t completely. And so because I am basically making myself sick… I wrote an email I am not even sure I wanted to write but felt it was necessary. One basic reason was for him - he does not need me waffling. I hate to waffle back and forth and know how it feels when someone waffles…so I figured it would be easier if I just not jump and make the decision not too. I am waffling also so that means something…I am not sure what…but it has to mean something.

Last night I went out with a group of ladies from a group I belong to and I told one woman that I had someone who I met who I was thinking of playing with and told her how I was kind of feeling. I always have layers to reasons why I feel something. I never just have one clear cut reason why something is a certain way for me. Right now my thing is that I don’t want another play partner. I want a relationship and really this is I believe the main reason I am not going forward with him. I think of the type of long term relationship I want and yes I would like the things he offers in play - humiliation especially, but I want more at this time in my life. And anything else just does not feel right. I have had play partners and I have bottomed and I just want more at this time in my life. Now I thought when he and I first started talking that I would be able to get past that…by knowing that the long term relationship that I want....I will have some day and just get the need for pain and my dark desires met through him - because as Nick told me one night this week there is some things he won’t do. So, basically the message I feel I get from Nick is “get those met now, because with me...I won’t do those things.” Nick and I have talked about what if’s…and what if he and I are together and I have a need or even a want that he does not meet what would happen. And he is very open-minded and says we will figure out a way to get that need met for you.

So, when I started talking with this other Dominant, my mind was trying to wrap around the idea that this was just for fun. But I have been having problems getting that straight in my mind...because I desire 24/7 Master/slave relationship so much. Things feel off and I know it has nothing to do with him. I think actually he would get in my mind and do the things I crave…and bring out that part in me that is dark and wanting. So, everything he offers for someone to be a play partner with is great. I am very lucky. So what is the big deal? Why can’t I just jump? And accept it for what it is?

Not sure but that is where things stand right now.

I also have not written about him and feelings with our conversations and I know that actually has bothered me. It feels like part of me has to be closed off and he did not tell me I could not talk about him but there are reasons why I have not wrote about him or the feeling surrounding him.

Thursday evening - As I said above last night I met some ladies from one group I belong to. We had fun… I think the group of men behind us all gay gentlemen increased our fun. There was bantering back and forth between the tables and it was fun. It was just nice to be out after my terrible day yesterday. Last night up to that point was not great either so I was just happy to finally get there and sit down and relax.

I was happy to especially see one woman. I respect and admire her…and that just increases more and more each time I talk to her. She is just a great Dominant and woman. I like her beliefs in D/s and BDSM. We talked about some things that were hard to talk about for me but needed to be said. And actually I had meant to talk to her and her husband both at some point, but I hate confrontation and even though it was not anything bad to them...I needed to say some things just basically clear the air…it still is a hard step to take.

Stopped at 11am Friday June 7th… started again 6:30pm Friday June 7th…

Nick - I have been so busy this week and so has he that we have not been able to connect like we usually do. I know that I have also pulled back from him a little. Because my feelings on everything seem so jumbled right now. I miss him though. He left me a voice mail message today. It was just nice to even hear his voice there. Silly huh? He wrote me a little email Wednesday evening telling me to be safe on Thursday when I was suppose go see that Dominant. He always is concerned about my safety. Since I will be busy tomorrow and so will he told me to call on Sunday.

Confession - I made a confession this morning to Linda and so now I feel free to write about it. lol She felt it was very sweet. The other night Monseigneur E told me something and I was truly ecstatically happy for both him and Linda after what he told me. I literally screamed out loud and clapped my hands like a little girl seeing something exciting lol Anyway, I joined a list they are both on I read a post by Linda it was just a few lines about the same Monseigneur E told me and burst into tears. I was happy for them but had a BIG moment of envy hit me. I am little slow at times and it surprised me in how I reacted so strongly. But that seems to be the case with them. I can think of a few times where things said…talked about with one or the other and I have reacted strongly about. Just like the other day I wrote about a conversation that I thought I might have offended them and that night went to bed worrying about that…as the thought of disappointing or hurting either one of them hurts. I remember not to long ago I told Monseigneur E something that I had done and he was surprised I did what I did and told me he was sure I would do the right thing. Uggghhh That was hard to hear from him. And what did I do? lol I took care of it right away and set it right. I mean right away, he and I signed offline and I went and took care of it. It went well too so he was right on that too as he had told me it would all work out.

BDSM Community - I am active in the BDSM community…on one of the list I am on a woman was talking about how her vanilla friends have been more supportive of her Master/slave relationship then those in the BDSM community. And she is on a list that has similar beliefs I do. She believes in being enslaved. It is a process - enslavement and that is where people in the bdsm community I think lose that fact. They don’t get it is a PROCESS that takes a while. That is built on trust and truth. Anyway, reading this girls post I knew how she felt as I have felt like a freak among the freaks many times lol

Validation/Compliments - another list was talking about being thanked and validation. I like to be thanked but it is something that is not needed after everything I do, but every once in a while is nice so that I know the things I am doing is appreciated. I usually at the beginning of a relationship need validation because my insecurities. The topic of compliments came up too and I don’t like getting compliments. I do but I feel very uncomfortable when I get them. I get flustered and don’t know how to respond. And all I need to say is thank you but I almost want to say oh no…I am not whatever they say I am. But, I do need compliments, I think about Jim when we were first dating and married he gave me compliments a lot but later he did not. And the reason he stopped he told me was because I would say oh no or roll my eyes at him. And he got sick of me arguing with him about it. And that is sad that I did that.

Bad Habits - Procastination, layered reasons/arguments, not taking compliments. See there a few more and I am sure there are still MORE lol

Weekly update - This week has been busy doing SMART things. We are having a Bizarre Bazaar. It is a Dominant Auction/Slave Auction, Kinky Carnival, and then a Play Party. The Female Submissive group that I belong to is doing a bake sale and that is the part I am charge of…and it looks like it has come along good now. We have quit the selection of bake goods now. I am very thankful to all that are helping out with that! Today, I cleaned house some and then tonight is Carpe Diem’s informal that I will be getting ready to go to after I write this entry. And then tomorrow is a fem sub outing from early early in the morning until early evening. And then Sunday is another meeting. So, this week has been filled with meetings and get-togethers all week. But I like being busy. Next week, I need to really get the house in order as we might have a guest staying with us. Well, she is more then a guest but not sure how to write about her, yet : )

I better go and get ready to go out… I might not be posting until Sunday. Maybe tomorrow night but who knows with me lol

Leave with a quote that I found and like…

The difference between perseverance and obstinacy is that one often comes from a strong will, and the other from a strong won't. - Henry Ward Beecher