Everything Goes Well

Written 5/31 9pm

There are moments when everything goes well, but don't be frightened. - Jules Renard

I am staying home tonight. I was invited to a few different get togethers but decided a night home on a Friday night would be good. I looked back at my calendar just a few moments ago and this past month has been very busy socially. And then I looked at June and it is even busier.

This next week Sunday and Monday is the only days that I don't have something planned. I just made plans for late Tuesday evening. Many of my plans are for the evening, but I have a few things planned during the day this next week too.

I have a few topics I have wanted to write about.....one is collars.

Recently someone was talking about collars...and it made me think of my past relationships....where collars were not that important. It really has not been important to any of my Owner's. One of my Owner's had me wear a collar only when we were going out to BDSM meetings and BDSM things in the community - basically to show I was owned. The same Master put an everyday collar on one of my sister slave's and that was really hard for me to deal with because I felt like I did not matter. I was happy for her but I was envious as I would have liked that so very much....to feel that around my neck everyday. To know I was owned always. I mean I knew that but to have that symbol and feel it around my neck - to me would have made it even a stronger feeling. The thing was that he knew that symbol was important for that slave. He did not realize it was important to me.

I think that symbol is important. It is a reminder. Do I really need the symbol or should I need it? No, but I know that it would help me remember who I am...what my purpose is....where I belong. I think it would help no matter if 24/7 or not. I know though as a 24/7 slave it would have helped me a lot. For me 24/7 was so different from submitting to someone I did not live with always. I have done both, but with 24/7 it was always there in my face - emotionally, mentally and *physically* 24/7. No matter if 24/7 or not I always had my Master in my thoughts but not having him there 24/7 - to physically serve and please - was quite different then when I went 24/7. It was so much harder and different. It was very draining. But also had its rewards that went deeper then when I was not 24/7.

Nick and I just got done talking. I am kind of frustrated with the conversation. And I should not be, but I am. He did not say anything wrong or do anything wrong. But that I am going through one of those moments of feeling I put him into my life so much more then he does. And yes last Friday I talked about that he does give me a lot for being this far from me and that is still true at this moment so why am I feeling like this? I am not liking myself very much right now for feeling this way.

We were talking about sex just briefly...and I said that if I wanted to have sex I could just pick up the phone and call one of several different people, but that I don't. And he said something that rubbed me the wrong way. He said am I suppose to thank you. That bothered me because it was not meant that way at all. It was meant that I care about him and want to be with HIM...not anyone else. And so it really bothered me that he said that. And that is when the feelings that I give him more then he gives me crept up. So, I am not happy with the thoughts and feeling that have come up.

How do I just let go and accept that things are like this right now? I know that if this is the same, in person I will not be happy. But I don't think Nick would let me be getting this close, to not let me in his life more in person. He knows what I seek and want....and he just does not seem like the type of person that would "change his mind" suddenly. Now if we don't click in person that is totally a different matter. But he has told me things he seeks and they mesh with what I seek.

And by the way I am having Todd popping all over my mind now because that is basically what he did.....told me one thing and then suddenly "changed his mind" and said he did not want any of the things he had told me.

So, trying to let go of the frustration and let the feelings I know come through.....the feelings of I know that Nick is good to me and for me.

Above stopped at 10pm

I am up with nightmares again. It gets old, but it is one of those things like allergies...I just put up with it because it is there.

These mornings where I wake up with nightmares I always have lots floating around in this brain but it is hard to get it out.