long long ramble

Let’s see where do I start today. . .

Monday I basically did things around the house and finished up some work online that I had been putting off. Procrastination is a very bad habit for me. Nick had called me on Saturday or Sunday but I was away from my phone. He asked me to call him back Monday. On Monday night I went to dinner with someone who I consider a friend and also who I am negotiating to play with. I have known her for years but gotten to know her better since we started attending a group together several months ago. We talked about what she feels she can get from me. I have been into BDSM basically since the first time I had sex so I have had a few years experience....I tend to have people want to play with me because I am experienced.

It is so odd to think that there are some “normal” BDSM things that I have not done. Like bondage…I have not had hardly any bondage done to me. But yet I have had more extreme things done to me…like being held underwater, punched in my stomach, or slapped so hard I have fallen back. I like the extreme. I like the extreme because I feed off the fear. The fear is what turns me on. If I had to choose whether to have a fear based scene no sex involved or just have sex…I would chose the fear. It turns me on and makes me feel things I don’t feel any other time.

After dinner I came home and signed online and ended up talking to Monseigneur E. I have had several dreams lately of him, him and Linda together and then just Linda. All very interesting dreams. I have to evaluate a lot of what I feel for both of them lately. They come into my thoughts and dreams a lot so it is not like I can just ignore the feelings. I am here though and they are there. So it is something that has been easy for me to push away.

I told Linda that I was going to go visit Sir Laz and Aydeen. . . she said when are you going to visit us. I told her then that I had been thinking about it lots. I had dreams of her that night I said that. I had dreams of just her and I doing laundry and just talking and it just felt so nice. And I also dreamed of her tattoos also… LOL *blushing* Basically just her and I in bed and me touching her…running my fingers over her tattoo…not sex…just touching. Now I can’t remember the tattoos and I can’t remember what tattoos she has…I know she has several though, but I bet my dream was accurate in them…just that feeling.

I am still going through lots of feelings of envy. I am not calling it jealousy but it could be since I don’t know these feelings very well. It has been a VERY rare occasion when I have felt jealousy or envy. I am happy for them both that they have this new person. But I am also very sad. I get pang of just such overwhelming sadness. It hurts. I am trying to be very honest with my feelings right now and not liking it lol I know nothing of the girl that is with them, but get very emotional when I think of her and them. I guess I am jealous. I thought of writing one of the poly lists and dug out ethical slut last night also because it is just so odd for me to be feeling these things. I just don’t know what to do or how to handle them. And they seem to be getting more intense for me. So not something I can just push away that easily anymore.

I am not a person to get envious and jealous. And to get this way and I am here and they are there even makes it seem just stranger to me. I guess I have always put them in this place that they are “there.” And why would that matter when I think of Nick and he is “there.” Because of conversations Linda and I have had on long distance does not work for getting to know a person. I agree with her on some levels. You go and stay with a person for 5 days and you are on your best behavior. You are excited to see them and you live in the excitement. It is harder for them to see the real…day in and day out person. I agree but don’t also.

But it might just be me and my past experiences… with Sir Laz and Adyeen…and with Todd. I just am much more the type of person to show those I am with…want to be with…*me* because I would rather find out sooner then later that we are not compatible. Yes it is hard at times. And yes I have problems letting it out, but I do. It might take a few days. But I will eventually get to the point of okay this is me. But it seems to be much sooner then it used to be because I have learned some things from the experiences I have had. And like I said I would like to know sooner then later if we are compatible or not.

I keep asking myself WHY…why am I feeling this way. Because really I have no reason to feel jealousy. I don’t know anything about what is going on with them. Or what part she will play in their poly family or how well things are going or anything. I don’t have any “rights” to feel this because I have never been a part of their poly family. I don’t know what it would be like to be a part of their family so why would I feel jealous of something I have no knowledge of?

Part of me feels it is because I have always “wondered” about Monseigneur E and Linda…wondered if it would work and now I am having regret that I have never asked to explore it before. Part of me feels I have missed my chance with them. Part of me wonders if I have just been in denial for the feelings I have for them and now this has brought them up? I just don’t know. But I am not happy that I am feeling this jealousy. I don’t like it at all. And not sure how to handle it either.

Jealousy is just an emotion I never understood. I have been jealous about 2 times in my whole life. Because I rarely feel it…when I do it is very overwhelming to me because I don’t know how deal with it. . . I don’t have past solutions to draw from and deal with it. Only thing I do is deny it is there until something sparks it. And what sparked it this morning was a dream.

Monseigneur E asked me when I was going to visit and then he and I talked about it a bit and I was thrilled after talking to him the other night about visiting. I felt so happy. And I do not have reservations or anxiety of what he will do. Only thing I felt was worry that I might disappoint him or do something to embarrass him.

It was in my dream that I realized she would be there. And that is when I had the pang of jealousy hit. And it annoyed me that I felt it. And then I got sad. The sadness I only can say must come from me pushing feeling aside and regret that I talked of earlier. Maybe I use the jealousy to mask the regret and sadness? I am not sure.

I am chatting with Monseigneur E right now he said Jealousy implies fear of losing something. I fear I have lost a chance with them. The conversation goes on and of course he has helped me recognize some of my feelings. It is not really jealousy that is the main emotion. It is easier to focus on the jealous then it is to focus on the other feelings I have…mostly irritation with myself for being in denial. For pushing aside feelings I have for a long time. Every time I felt them…I would end up pushing them aside. And so the need to address those feelings I am having would dissolve the jealousy. Because really it is all the other feelings…the fear that I have lost my chance with him and Linda that is bigger then anything else.

LOL okay I just got mail and it is my daily inspiration… and this is what it said, “What would life be if we had no courage to attempt anything?” - Vincent Van Gogh

Main reason I never went there with my feelings is because I am in Ohio and they are not. Next reason is it would be long distance…I would say at first…and I understand the problems with that and so that does not seem “feasible” to me. Not that I have discussed any of this with them. Monseigneur E I know knows I react to him. But my interest in them I don’t talk to him about. I have a little bit with Linda but not much. I don’t talk about the feelings I have for them really to anyone. I know I have hinted at it but never admitted… I mean I barely admit it to myself : ) I am good at denial. Most I have ever talked to them about is coming and playing with them. I don’t talk about being with them as in part of their poly family. And location is the main reason and so I push feeling aside and don’t deal with them or even discuss them. Good huh? NOT!

So that now they are coming up through the jealousy…fantastic lol

Emotions are so fun NOT!

But any feelings I am having I want to deal with NOW. And if I am going there to visit…I want the feelings I am having to be in their place and dealt with. I am sure this is something I will write about more.

On to the next topic…

I had lunch with a friend yesterday. She is a fairly new friend but I love her dearly already. She is just so great. Her and I have lots in common…not only D/s but also vanilla things. I gave her a box I painted. She likes boxes…one of those things we have in common. It was a good long lunch and I actually talked about some things on my mind too such as Monseigneur E and Linda, Nick, and just junk that I needed to get out. It was really nice to talk and really nice to hear her thoughts and thing she is going through right now.

Today I am thinking about Moni. I hope to get together with her soon and have one of our long lunches too. She has been very good to me always but lately I feel her protection and guidance more and more and appreciate it so much. She is truly great friend!

Next topic is Nick… I talked to him on phone for almost 2 hours last night. We are very much back to our old way of conversations. We talked about some things that I discussed in my email to him. I discussed the weight thing with him. We discuss that every once in a while but mostly we don’t because he knows I am sensitive to that discussion, but because it was in my email we discussed it last night. It was a good discussion I heard what he was saying. What it comes down to with me is acceptance…and he and I have discussed this many times and he can say all he wants that he knows what I look like he accepts me for who I am right now. But I won’t believe it until with him in person. And I am guessing our first time of meeting will not make me know it either.

This just popped to mind. I have not really worried about the acceptance thing with Monseigneur E and Linda. I have worried about attraction but not acceptance. And the attraction has worried me more with Linda then with Monseigneur E for some strange reason. That will probably change I am sure I will worry about it more LOL

So back to Nick we had this long conversation. And I hate that I go so back and forth on my feelings for him. I close things off and start protecting myself and then we have conversations like last night and I feel very wanted and accepted by him. And then wonder why I am holding back. But also I noticed I started holding back when I started admitting my feelings about Monseigneur E and Linda. Such a nice little mess… I have right now. I mean nothing too chaotic but things that I do have to figure out.

Meanwhile, I am very busy here in Cleveland LOL I have something going on everyday this week again. My social calendar is full! I am trying to figure out time when to get to Tennessee. Nick was very adamant about me going. . . He feels it would be good for me to get out of Cleveland for a while. And he had a main reason for that and it was a good one.

I am going to change my Who’s Who but waiting to get confirmation from 2 people who I am going to add so I wanted wait to hear what they want to be named first before I do that and make all the changes at once.

Smackdown I have not been doing lately but meaning too…

One question from the Smackdown…"When did you lose your virginity?"

I was 16 when I lost my virginity. His name was Jeff. He was a model and 18 years old. He and I had been playing around sexually before we had sex. One day we were in his room and I said something kind of flippant to him. He bent me over his knee and spanked me. We started fooling around because the spanking turned us both on. He asked if he could handcuff me to his bed. And I said yes. And then we had sex. It was nothing earth shattering. I was very turned on by being spanked and being cuffed. Go Figure LOL

Another question…"Who was your first love, and did he/she know?"

My first love was Brian. I am going with love not crush. I felt very wanted, protected, accepted with Brian. There was no BDSM with him. I was involved with him when I was 17. He was an artist and we talked about all sorts of things…mostly the angst that teenagers go through. At the time my Grandfather was dying so he helped me get through that. He was the first person I was made love to by. Not sex but made love. No, he did not know I loved him. I was too scared to tell him. I never told anyone I loved him or her until Jim.

Well, I did 2 more smackdown questions now! I need to get going…just had a friend call that needs me. More to come later I am sure.