Romance

Topics: Babbling about what I want.....Getting to know someone....Romance and D/s

I have achy as my mood as I think I am getting sick. I woke up 2 times last night with asthma attacks. It feels like a cold coming on.

I have over the last week started coming to a lot of realizations. I have taken a mental cold shower. I did something this week and when I did it….it was like I walked through a doorway. Is the door shut? No. But it is time for me. I was having a conversation with Mistress DM on Sunday I believe and I kept going on about what this person wants and what that person wants and what another person wants and she said like 2 or 3 times what do you want? And her final time she asked it she said “what do *YOU* want?” She told me that basically it was time to get the things I want and need. And she is right.

I want lots of things! LOL And even though the main thing I want in my life right now I don’t see happening anytime soon. I am going to make them happen and while I make them happen I am still going to try to have fun and get some needs taken care of.

The main thing I say in this journal is I want a long-term relationship with someone that accepts me. I want someone to also give what I give into the relationship. I do not want the Dominant to bend to my will but I want us to be compatible. I want someone to care as much as I care. I put Nick into my life - I know - way more then he puts me into his life. We actually talked about that the other night. He likes that I put him into my life as much as I do. And he likes it even more that I do it without him asking me to. I want someone though who will put me into his or her life. I want the romantic and kinky thoughts…like I have…to go through someone else’s mind.

That is actually something I took for granted with Jim. He was on again off again with it but when he was on it he was so good. He was so romantic and naughty too LOL that good kind of naughty. I would get a gift, a card, just a note tucked somewhere for me to find, or a rose…just because…sometimes they were romantic and loving other times they were naughty and kinky. I would get email cards and email love letters from him. I would get just a note from him saying he was thinking about me….again sometimes it was a romantic loving note and other times it was a naughty note. He would at times called me and just say I remember last night when I was fucking you hard and that scream you made was amazing. And I would be in my office surrounded by people and have to just say uh...huh lol I did things back to him but I could not be too naughty. He was always nervous someone would hear or find the notes. He worked in a very conservative office.

I like that getting to know a person stage also. I like the stage after it too….but that where you are finding out if the person is compatible with you. I meet people online and they might have the BDSM things in common with me or maybe like art or something else. But I want to get to know them…all of their dislikes and likes. I like talking and just being with the person. I guess that is one reason I don’t see myself just wanting to be play partners with someone because I want more. Friends…..who I trust. Not that trusts that is the surface trust but that internal trust. I am sure I am not making sense. There are some people you meet you know things about them and you trust them based on that. But there are others you trust because you have learned them. Learned that we are friends but more then that….learned about them as people and that reason allows me to go further. Nick also I feel….feels better when I played with people I have known for a long time. With the Sadist I did not know him. We barely met and then played. And Nick had lots of issues with that.

I paused just now for a while…..thought about a lot of things in the moments I stopped typing. I thought of conversation I had with someone. Thought of Wednesday evening. Thought of a question I just posed to a few groups. And also sent out some emails. I do that often. I will be writing and then all of sudden my mind wanders to things…which leads me to the next thing that maybe takes me away from the computer or doing something else on the computer and then I come back to my journal.

Because I was writing about romance it made me think about the D/s relationships I have been in and how/if the romance mixed in. My first Master after I was separated from my husband was not very romantic. It was just D/s…and BDSM relationship. We snuggled and had softer moments but he was not romantic. The only gift I was given was my collar….it was a very special gift as he made it himself. It was just a hard gift to receive because we were in a LDR and we would meet and I would kneel and he would put the collar on me and I would wear it the whole time we were together only take it off when I showered. And then when we were leaving he would take it off and bring it with him. I hated that so very much. I felt like he left me…abandoned me each time. I felt like if the collar could have stayed with me even if not on me that I would have had Him with me in it.

Todd was not romantic really but very thoughtful and that stood out to me a lot. He carried my bags in. He opened my door. He would not let me pay when we went out because basically he felt he was the man and I was the woman. It was not a Dom - sub thing. He would have done this same thing for a Female Dominant. It was being polite - chivalrous - thoughtful. It was being a man to him. He gave me a massage. He pleasured me sexually before he ever let me pleasure him. He brushed my hair and made me feel relaxed. Basically those things he did though to make me trust him and relax and open up. It worked like a charm.

Anyway, thinking of the romance made me ask that question on a few lists. I miss the romance. I miss getting flowers for now reason. I miss the card. I miss the notes. I miss those romantic gestures even small ones. I believe D/s and romance can be mixed but it has been my experience that the D/s is so much more important that the romance gets thrown to the side.

I just remembered the last time I got flowers. It was when I was in Germany and Honey come home with a beautiful bouquet of flowers….mixed with roses and other exotic brightly colored flowers. It was so beautiful. I almost cried but kept it in because there were kids and others around. It meant so much to me.

It is time for me to sign off….

"Love is friendship set on fire." ~ Jeremy Taylor ~