In my post describing teacup's visit, I mentioned the Evil Stick. Do you know what an Evil Stick is? If not well...I am here to do a show and tell. But beware hide this post from d-types because these are wicked! :)
The Evil Stick is this little stick that looks so non-threatening because...well it is so small, light, thin and kind of innocent looking. You look at it and think there is no way that will pack any pain. I am not sure exactly what it is made of but supposedly it is made of space-age science-composite materials with a leather braided handle. I think this was the first gift I ever gave Master...yes I am a masochist.
You hold it fairly close to the skin. You then bend that space age material back. Do not even need to pull it back very much because even a little will inflict pain - I promise. Let go and it will snap at the skin and then you will hear noises indicating you have caused pain with this Evil Stick. It stings but actually the stings continue for several moments later. It will be tender and welt up right away. It brings up thin lines of welts that might not look all that bad but they sting...really sting. Master took pictures of the welts, but they just weren't showing up well in the photos.
Master snapping the Evil Stick back to hit my bottom
I will say over continued use the Evil Stick can break or develop cracks in it, but for us it has taken a long time. They aren't expensive toys so easily replacable. You can get the Evil Stick here. I have felt the 2 pronged one also but it was before Master and I remember it hurt just as much as the single. I am not getting anything from this post....just letting people know about them.
The other night I was chatting with teacup and she said she was reading the older parts of my archive from 2000 and 2001. I told her that was my neurotic period and I’m not really joking. It really was a very chaotic time in my life.
One of the on-going things on my “to-do” list is to go back into my journal and tag things so that they show up under the labels. As I was tagging entries, I came across a time in my life when I was questioning if I could be a slave or if I was even submissive. I constantly debated the issue all around my head. At one point a good friend told me that I wasn't a slave. At another point in my life I was interested in someone who told me that everyone around me knew I was submissive and didn't understand why I was even questioning it.
The thing is: I knew I was submissive. The feelings I was having weren't because I was questioning if I was or wasn't a submissive. It wasn't knowing or not knowing if I could be a slave. In retrospect, I can see that my internal struggle was not a question of my identity, but a cause from burnout - being burnt out being a slave. I served Kam for several years and right from the start it was heavy service oriented slavery. I got up early in the morning - I did things all day for him and his household. It was a regular practice to be woken up in the middle of the night to do things such as go get pickles at 1am or bake brownies at 3am. (Another entry I did on serving at that point in my life after reading Diary of an Old Guard Slave by Vi Johnson.) I became tired. Very tired. After I was released I slept for days, but it was hard to stop serving. I had to reverse train myself to not jump and anticipate. I wrote about a little about the transition here.
So really I was questioning if I could submit and be a slave again because I wasn't sure how I could work past the burn out or if I even wanted too.
Many slaves will say they don't burn out. That is great if they don't, but then often I also tend hear in almost the same breath that those who do burn out aren't real slaves. Another definition flame war erupts. Who’s real, who isn’t. Who’s more slave like, who isn’t. (I really don’t want this to be another definition post.)
I disagree with those that say that if it was really in a person’s heart to serve, then they wouldn’t burn out. I think real life demonstrates that you can have your heart in something and still experience burn out. It doesn’t matter if it’s a passion for a hobby or the job you do. Burnout is part of the human existence.
I serve Master 24 hours a day 7 days a week - face to face and it is hard work. That doesn't mean I don't enjoy it. It doesn’t mean I lack the passion for it because it’s hard work, but one can achieve levels of burnout from over doing and giving it so much that it just wears one down.
Do I wish I had an off switch? I had a March Question asking if I ever wanted a day off - I think this falls in that same line. I don't want a day off from being a slave. But I do get tired and I do need down time. I don't always take the best care of myself to know when and what I should do to create a restful situation. I feel always as I am his slave so not like I want to or can turn that off but I do need to have down time so that I don't burn out.
Bottom line for me is that I do get burnt out and sometimes I don't always give myself the type of rest I need to help it from happening. Or just doing things to help myself get my energy back. It is a constant struggle for me and I still haven't learned how to not burn out from serving. It is part of my life - not the most favorite but it happens. Over all life is good but doesn't mean it doesn't come with bumps in the road.
All of them? :) Really I don't think I can list all of them and so many play off another or just have little part in another part. So I will do what I can think of in the moment....
Breath play - This is probably one of my oldest kinks. I mean I know I loved other kinks forever but this one I remember doing consistently through the years. I love that feeling of not even being in control of my breath. Really I like the fear of it - that it plays on the edge so turns me on and gets me off.
Humiliation/degradation - It totally trips my trigger. I love the feelings it taps into - feelings at the core that just burst open into light. It is very twisted...usually I will be going through a range of emotions and crying but at the same time getting more and more turned on by whatever is being done or said to me. (here you can read all sorts of entries I have done about humiliation)
Pain - I am a masochist. I like pain. It hurts, but the pain turns me on. Stingy pain from the single tail, cat-o-nine, viper, cane or just anything that gives that sharp sting usually brings out my masochistic side fast.
Impact play - I saying anything really like the above - single tail, vipers, cane all impact toys. Spanking which I didn't even like until Master. We have these other little toys that create good impact - like a strap with a ball on the end - such a good pain. Punching and slapping though - are my favorites.
Bondage - I like being restrained in all sorts of different ways, but rope bondage is my favorite. I love the way the rope feels digging into my flesh. I love the feelings of being completely helpless and not able to move. (entry on why I love rope)
Control/Force/Consensual Non-Consent - all these fall close together because of the same reasons...I like that he is in control and makes me do things I don't want to do. I like that he uses or forces me when I am not in the mood, I like that he is in control of what I can and can't do, and can make me do something, but really I am so twisted into being his that I will obey him even if I am crying all the way through it.
Something I count really among my many blessings is how well Master and I do communicate. It isn't perfect. It isn't that we always say the right thing to each other but in the end we keep talking and working it out until it is resolved. Actually it is something my previous therapist and my current therapist always comment on - how well Master and I communicate. It is something that we have proven to be quite good in our poly relationship with teacup as well. We express ourselves and talk through issues and problems that arise as well as just talking daily about life and beliefs. It strengthens our relationship and keeps adding good things to our foundation.
Today's Daily Om was about communication and I thought it to be quite good so sharing some of it. But please follow the link to read the rest.
"When we are in a relationship where we feel listened to and understood, we count ourselves lucky because we know how rare that experience is. We reserve our most intimate selves for the people who, along with us, cocreate an open space where we feel free to express ourselves and listen without judgment. These relationships, which thrive on open communication, can mean the difference between existential loneliness and a deep sense of belonging. We all long to feel heard, understood, and loved, and clear communication makes this possible." - Daily OM May 24, 2012
"The key is to find ways to center ourselves so that we communicate meaningfully, lovingly, and wisely. In this way, we honor our companions and create relationships in which there is a genuine sense of understanding and respect." - Daily OM May 24, 2012
It is great when your fantasies play out just as good or better then they do in your head. But sometimes they do fail. Yes, sometimes when a fantasy mixes with reality....it doesn't always work out well. We had one of those moments on Sunday. It was the evening of the Ring of Fire (solar eclipse). Master and I were going to be going out to this remote desert area to view the Ring of Fire. It is a beautiful area and remote enough that standing out semi-naked to naked - we don't have a very likely chance of having people wonder by . I do have to say with the eclipse we did seem to have more people out there but we were still all so far from each other - we couldn't see each other. It is a very pretty area that is great to watch the sunset. But that isn't what came to Master's mind when he first thought of going there.
Master doesn't have a big SUV but his automobile would be considered a SUV. It has a back cargo area that when looking at it - looks pretty good size. We fit lots of things back there. We have always had the fantasy of putting me back there and pulling the cover over it. Kind of like being kidnapped and forced into the trunk of a car - instead it is a back cargo area. Well....this is where fantasy meeting reality sometimes fails. It was smaller then it looked. I couldn't fit in it very well. It isn't very wide and not very deep either with the cargo cover on it. The cover just is a slide out screen that attaches to the backseat and then pulls and latches just before the hatch door.
Master ended up pulling over not far from our house and getting me out. I am thankful but at the same time I felt like it was me that was failing but reality is that it just wasn't feasible due to size. I am a big girl and it isn't a big SUV so the cargo area isn't that big. Insert big pouty face.
Also reality is even if it was bigger not sure I could do it still. I would have had breathing problems. I was having them as is and even in a bigger space it still would have been hard to breath.
I was really upset it didn't work but understand that is something that does happen at times.
We did though get to have some fun though. Master brought the single tail. We really don't have a lot of room to use it in our house....well...really we do now that we rearranged the living room - he might be able to use it in there on teacup and I. But really out in the desert - was PERFECT. Just perfect. Standing out there he could have all the room he wanted. He hit me with my clothes on and then had me life up my dress and pull down my panties and whipped me that way too. It felt so delicious - nothing brings out my masochistic side as fast as the single tail and it has always been that way. I remember when I lived in Cleveland and felt it for the first time - I could have almost purred - it hurt but it was that hurt that just makes me crave to feel the pain over and over and over. And although I hadn't felt the single tail in quite a long time - it brought that right out in me again. It was amazing. So although our fantasy didn't work with the cargo hold - we did get to have fun with the single tail.
We also got to sit and enjoy the beautiful setting sun. We didn't get to see the ring of fire. But we had a nice picnic dinner, watched the sunset over mountains from a beautiful setting and we got some play time in too. It was a really wonderful evening and something we both wish we would do more often.
Do you as a slave feel you are entitled to anything?
First what does entitled mean to me: the right to receive something or to do something. Within Owner/property or Master/slave type relationships - this can become a concern for some.
When I first started thinking about this topic, I could not think of anything I view that way - I can't think of what I might be entitled to within this relationship. But then...I came to thoughts and emotions. I guess I always feel I am entitled to them. It is just what I do with them that I don't have a claim over. I am not entitled express them anyway I chose.
I don't feel I get tripped up with entitlement as much now as maybe I did when Master and I were first together. I know that there were some tangible things I felt I was entitled too - and it would trip me up and smack me in the face when I realized that is what I was feeling and the mindset I had about those things. Such as feeling I was entitled to panties during a period because otherwise it might be messy. Now I still want panties during my period at this moment. I don't even like to be just in panties when I have my period. It makes me feel uncomfortable - like I might bleed somewhere and having an extra layer of clothing will protect me. My period as it is so erratic I might bleed all over despite having a tampon in so having panties and clothing on top of them always makes me feel more secure. But I know I am not entitled to that. Master could tell me to bleed all over and clean up after myself as I go - in fact he has a fantasy of making me wear white and bleed on it.
Another tangible that tripped me up at first....I love seafood and Master hates it. Because I love seafood it was hard at first to give it up. Now it isn't as if Master says no seafood EVER. But it is not a norm on our grocery list as he hates seafood and hates the smell of it cooking. So now he has given me times when he goes out of town to have seafood. And there has even been times he has purposely taken me someplace that serves seafood so I can have a seafood fix. It is healthy food I miss and it is something I wish I could eat more of but again I am not entitled too it. But I am sure if I wanted too I could have twisted this into something I am entitled too because well it is healthy for me and you are taking away something that is good for me. I didn't do that but there are things like that I can see where if I got really pissy about it - I could twist into away - where I am "entitled" to it. I don't but I can totally see where it could trip me up and cause problems if I let it. I get to have what Master wants me to have and even then it can be taken away at any moment so I am always thankful that he allows me to have some things like seafood at all.
A couple of friends and I were having this discussion of entitlement once long long ago and one friend pondered if entitlement could lead to anything positive in the relationship. I and the other friends said no - that we couldn't see it doing any good. But our friend that brought up the topic said she felt that in some relationships it might be positive....such as they were entitled to feeling pride in a job well done that it helped motivate. If they knew they did a good job they would be allow to feel pride then it could motivate them to do the very best work possible. I guess I can see that.
I can see that but again I feel even for me that is a fine line. Master might want me to take pride in something but he also doesn't want me to get a big head and feel I am all that an bag of potato chips on whatever it is I am doing for him. He wants me to be humble and gracious that I am allowed to serve him in success and failure. But I can see where it might help motivate some people.
I know that when I get in a mindset that I am entitled to something - then it will trip me up. I am thankful that for the most part - I don't get tripped by that often but every once in a while I trip on things that are old issues. So always good to keep coming back and examine things.
* Master was really into this cycle of using humiliation on me - then we had to go out of town and of course that threw us off our schedule. But it was lots of fun - being mindfucked and turned by it. :)
* My gawd I have my period and I think even if I fucked a whole army platoon I wouldn't be satiated. I am just so horny this time. I mean I am always horny with my period but this time seems like 10 times more then usual. But on top of being horny - I have had a migraine cycle from hell and having sex or orgasms don't really help them. But it hasn't stopped me from giving Master blow jobs even though it spikes me up....I don't care as I am just so horny I want his cock in me.
* We saw The Avenger's - twice! Oh so so good! Joss Whedon did a fantastic job! I am so happy for him and the success of the moive. Last movie I saw twice in the theater was Star Trek. I think actually I saw that 3 times. We just don't see movies in the theater often anyway so going twice is something we really don't do. Title of this post is from the Avenger's
* Because I am wanting Master's cock so much - giving him multiple blow jobs a day lately he wrote Cock Slut in marker on my breasts. During the movie on Friday - I reach out and touched his thigh just to lay my hand there and instantly spiked my desire of wishing we weren't in the theater and instead at home so I could have his cock in my mouth. I am telling you I am so freakin horny right now.
* teacup will be here again in less than a month! YAY! When she booked her ticket, I think we were all bouncing off the walls that she gets to visit again so soon.
* When she is here - she will get to meet one of Master's long time friends who is poly while we are in Denver to pick teacup up from the airport. And she might meet Master's sister too on our way back to bring her to the airport. We are out to Master's sister - she knows about our lifestyle - both the M/s and poly. She is excited to meet our love. We also hope that she gets to meet some local friends that we were suppose to get together with last time - hopefully this time we are able to do that.
* Spent lots of time in the kitchen this week - made homemade hoagie rolls earlier in the week and then Saturday I made homemade hamburger buns, browned 2 lbs of ground beef, made meatloaf for the freezer so I can take it out and bake later, made lots of meatballs, sauteed veggies and then made muffins for breakfast too. Last night we had hamburgers on homemade buns, corn on the cob with Northwood Seasoning from Penzeys Spices and then Cherry Wine with lemonade in it. A recipe we got from a local winery when teacup was here last. I am about to go make some things to take on a picnic to watch the sunset tonight and hopefully see the Ring of Fire (annular solar eclipse). Master also has some fun things planned for on our trip to where we are going to view it - and for while we are out there. It is kind of a remote area. I will write about it I am sure I will be writing about whatever happens. :)
* I am feeling very blessed right now. Because life is really good. I mean of course it would be better if teacup was here with us but I am just so happy we found someone who is such an amazing person that meshes with us so well. Master is great....I am just so happy with him and to be HIS. Life is just really good. Love my Life!
Once upon a time you could look at me and I could have an orgasm. It was just simple and easy. I got turned on easy and I had multiple orgasms easily. As I get older, it is getting harder to have an orgasm. Sometimes it is quick and easy like it used to be but the majority of the time it isn't.
Something I have had a hard time with as a submissive is that I want to please Master in all ways and when my orgasms started being harder to reach, I felt bad. I felt like something is "wrong" with me. I am not good enough for him because I can't reach an orgasm as easily. Now obviously he is with me not just for my orgasms. We are together because we are compatible beyond sex - logically I get that. But in the moment of having sex and it seems like it is taking a long time and that frustration is building - the thoughts that there is something wrong with me and feeling inadequate because I can't even orgasm creep in. Silly - I know.
My body is all over the place right now - changing all the time. Sometimes it takes pain to get me off and other times I need a softer touch. I always need pain and bdsm stuff for the foreplay to get me turned on and get me wet and wanton, but when it comes down to the actual orgasm - sometimes I just need some firm but soft touching of my clit. Even then though I still might not come because I need an added mental component - mostly dirty talk. It is what will usually push me over. But what I am trying to say - it is different almost always - which can get frustrating.
I recently was watching a Tuesday's with Nina over on EdenFantasys.com. They are videos where Nina Hartley is giving sexual advice. Now if you don't know who Nina Hartley is - please google. I think the first porn I watched had Nina in it. She is long time adult movie star as well as a sex educator. I really enjoy her Tuesday's with Nina series over on Eden Tube.
One video I watched, that I will embed below, featured a question from a young woman that was having problems achieving orgasm with her partner. That it was making her and her partner feel bad and like they were doing something wrong because she couldn't reach orgasm "from" him. Nina offered really good advice as well as just some good common sense words - we all are responsible for our own orgasm.
Just because your partner is the one helping you get there doesn't mean he/she is responsible for pushing you over and giving you one. You know your body and know what will get you there and there is nothing wrong with having fun foreplay and getting close and then personally taking over to push it over. I think I forget that at times. Master does a great job of giving me orgasms. I can have one with him pushing me over but when I am having problems - there is no rule that say I can't take over to push over. Sometimes we have done that too - just not often enough and not soon enough. I usually get to the bad thoughts of being inadequate before I just get some sex toys out so I can push it over. Master doesn't care how I orgasm just as long as we are both having fun and getting pleasure (of course we mix it with SM which is pleasurable to us). I mean that is what is about - are we having fun - keeping it fun and doing things to help before it becomes frustrating.
Please watch the video below as well as checking out all the other great videos and content over on EdenFantasys. I love how they always get me thinking about something in a new way.
Disclosure: EdenFantasys provided me with a gift card in exchange for this post. All opinions are my own, and were not influenced in any way.
I am going to do the 30 day of Kink that I saw go around on the blogosphere quite a while ago. I am going to be very irregular in when I post them, but I hope to do at least 2 a month but it might be more or it might be less. :)
Day 1: Dom, sub, switch? Basically define your kinky self for us.
Owned girl wired for service and obedience. I am bisexual, masochistic, sexually submissive and poly. I have been Master's property for 9 years. 10 years will be in February 2013.
I say wired because I can look back into my life and see that these things in my life that point to service and obedience to authority in my life. I feel I am sexually submissive because I become more submissive just after being used sexually. I obey and I submit always to Master, but after sex it is easier for me. After being beat, it is easier for me. I don't let my mind step in and start to trip me up - where if we hadn't had sex and I am out of that sexual mindset then my mind sometimes starts to get in my way. I always obey, I always serve and submit, but mentally and emotionally it is harder for me.
Day 27: Do your non-kink interests ever find their way into your kinky activities? If so, how?
Day 28: How do you dress for kink/BDSM play? What significance does your attire have to you?
Day 29: Do you have a BDSM title (e.g. mistress, master, slut, pig, whore, princess, goddess, ma’am, sir)? What is your opinion of the use of titles in general?
Day 30: Whatever BDSM/kink related thing you want to write about.
Humiliation and degradation really trip my trigger for turn-ons. Sometimes I get hung up on the fact that "it shouldn't" and other times I can let it go and just go with it. Right now I am in a let it go and go with it phase. Thank goodness I am....as Master has been using it every time we have had sex recently.
The other day we were having sex where Master had an orgasm and I didn't. He got up to take a shower and told me to masturbate. He said that if I didn't orgasm before he got out that he would write something humiliating on me. Before he had me start masturbating, I was ready. I was so close to popping off easily that I thought no problem. Grrr the power of Master and the mindfuck....because of course I got close but didn't push over. He got out of the shower and looked at me from the bathroom door while I laid on the bed still trying. He kind of cocked his head in which he asked the question without speaking of...."well did you?" I screamed "NO" in frustration. He smiled and laughed. As soon as he was done drying off he went to the kitchen to get a sharpie He pressed the sharpie to my skin on my stomach and I had an orgasm...just with him pressing that sharpie to my skin. As he wrote the words, multiple orgasms erupted. He wrote "too dum to cum" - purposely spelling dumb wrong.
Every time he points the writing out on me, I squirm and feel myself get wet.
In 2010, I only did 30 posts for the whole year, but I understand why as that was the year my Uncle died and Kam also died and I pretty much pulled away from everything. I only did 31 posts in 2011. I didn't even post in the first 3 months of 2011. The only reason I started post in April of 2011 is because we met some people who were moving to the area and now are good friends. I wanted to share the experience of meeting like minded people.
I am now coming up on the 2 year anniversary of both my Uncle's death and Kam's. I am happy to say although I miss them and still have moments of grieving - sadness that come up - I am over the biggest parts of my grieving. I know that many things helped me get through it all. Master of course is one of the main reasons I was able to move forward. He was really great in just supporting me and understanding when things seemed to be falling apart around here. He helped me when he could and of course he got frustrated and angry at some things I did but he still was there for me. Other things that helped me were good friends - such as the friends we met last year that moved to the area. I can't imagine not having them around - even if we only see them once a month or every other month. I enjoy their company so much. They have come to mean so much to me and I count them as blessings in my life.
Meeting katie was also a big moment for me that helped me keep looking forward as she is such a lovely person who is so inspiring to be around. I really wished we would have had more time together but so glad we keep our friendship alive through online contact at least. I truly don't know what I would do without such a wonderful friend who I can be myself with even when complaining or sharing joy. You are a beautiful person inside and out katie and I love and adore you! So thankful we were able to meet in 2011 and hope to see you again in 2012.
My long time friends have been a great help too - Jouet and Jessica. Jouet for making me laugh and telling me wonderful stories of her life. They were always a good distraction and it is always fun to live vicariously through others. The cupcake story I still replay in my head often. :) Jessica - for allowing me to cry and vent even when it was irrational. Thank you so much for being there even when I was at my worst. I love you both so much and am so thankful to have you as friends.
And last but not least I know that teacup coming into our lives really helped me look forward to the future...giving me hope for a bright future. A future I have dreamed about for so long and was not sure we were going to find someone to fit into. She came to us in an unexpected way when we weren't looking and now we are moving towards being a family. I cherish the memories we have already created and look forward to the ones we will make in the days to come. I love and adore you, teacup. Thank you for coming into our lives and wanting to be a part of this family with all the ups and downs.
I know I am forgetting people - so many people reached out to me during my struggles and I appreciate every single person...each time someone commented on my livejournal or blog, emailed me, dropped me an offline message or message on fetlife - it meant the world to me and helped me through it. I have amazing friends and family - I am very thankful for having such a good life and you all enriching it.
